Picture this:
In a barbershop outside of Philadelphia, a high school boy sits in the barber chair while the barber circles with a perplexed look on his face.
“Hey! Why ain’t you bein’ an a**hole? Huh? Look Bruce – he’s just sittin’ here and he ain’t bein’ an a**hole!”
(Don’t forget the Philly accent).
The young man smiled and shrugged. He realized it too. He wasn’t being an a**hole. He was just sitting in the chair to get his hair cut like he was supposed to.
That’s the way I picture the moment when my husband, Bob says he felt really proud of himself. Bob had recently been diagnosed with ADD and started medication. At the barber was the first time Bob realized how others saw his behavior and was proud he could control himself.
When my husband, Bob was a senior in high school he was finally diagnosed. Getting to that point was no easy task.
In elementary school his teachers felt Bob had extra needs. They tested him to determine if he needed to go to the special needs/life skills room for his education. The testing did reveal Bob was special. Bob tested as an intellectually gifted student. But behavior, impulsivity and his inability to focus stood between Bob and gifted studies. Bob was mainstreamed without supports. Which pretty much means to me, Bob was disciplined throughout his education.
When I told Bob, that October was ADD/ADHD awareness month and that I thought about writing a post about him, he encouraged me to. When I asked if there was anything he wanted to say he told me, “I want to hear what you have to say. It affects us all. Be good to hear your perspective.”
So, here we go.
Bob does take medication but will only take it for work. The meds really do wash his personality out, but since he stares at lines of code all day for his job, he needs to focus. They wash him out so much that my loud, no filter, extrovert husband whom everybody loves, is deemed a shy introvert by his co-workers (that don’t know him out of the office).
Try as I might to be understanding, I still get perturbed (to put it nicely) when I am talking and Bob tells me to “hurry up.” In hindsight I know he needs me to, but still. In his words, “there are a thousand things trying to push their way in and I am trying to listen to you before one gets through – so, hurry up!”
The gas tank in Bob’s car is never full. I can usually tell the length of his attention span by how much gas was put in the car. Little over half a tank for $20 worth of attention? Or did he only put in $5?
“Keys, wallet, work badge, phone…” are on repeat in Bob’s mind. With a thousand thoughts pushing on his brain, Bob is a perpetual loser of things. Like, everything. To try and focus Bob has become obsessive about these four items and says he is constantly repeating them and feeling his pockets all day long for these four items.
I will look at a trash can that is overflowing and realize the trash needs to go out. Bob will put another piece of trash on the pile, even taking the time to balance his trash on the tippy top to make sure it doesn’t fall off. Bob will take the trash out if I ask him to, but not on his own. I thought this was just a guy thing, but really, Bob doesn’t see any mess, anywhere. His attention is elsewhere.
Inability to focus isn’t on everything. Bob can become super focused on something. This super focus can override his ability to focus on much else though.
It is because of Bob the kids get to do as many activities as they do. Bob likes taking them everywhere. Road trips, sports, concerts (as long as the kids hold the tickets so Bob can’t lose them) and he never has a problem being the 10 PM pick up Dad.
Bob is always on the go and hates to be alone. He is always happy to have another person with him for a chat or a laugh. But you are likely to be asked another question, about another topic before you answer his first question.
There’s a good chance if you meet Bob you will see his heart on his sleeve. Within a few weeks of knowing Bob your likely to have seen him moved to tears by something. Bob is all heart.
At the end of the day, Bob does not put much emphasis on his ADD. “It is what it is and I deal with it” is his motto. I’m just his wife. ADD/ADHD is real and these are some ways I see his ADD affecting him (and our family).
(I gave this piece to Bob to read before I posted it. His reply, “You DO get me!” I will take that as a thumbs up 😊 )
You wound up with a family that really challenges you out of your comfort zone, didnt you? 😘
Your husband is like the dad in the Holderness family, right?
Wouldn’t it be nice to borrow some of the physical energy without the mental distractions it causes?
Thank you for sharing this Robyn and thanks to Mr Robyn too😉💌
I did! I guess I didn’t really realize ALL that meant when I first met Bob and learned about his ADD. But we do make it work. He
IS very similar to Mr. Holderness (until he takes his meds and he becomes a focusing zombie :-))
He told me he got a little choked up when I sent him my draft (Mr. Big Heart). Part of him wants to share it with everyone so they kind of understand him, and the other part just want him to like him for him. I totally get that.
If he wants to start talking about it, I’m sure with all the kid activities that other parents bring it up. He could offer his insights into the conversations. It might be really helpful.
I’m sure people already like him for him.. big heart!! I get not wanting to share too… so much of my life is different from what people expect.
🤗💌
What a loving, empathetic spouse you are, Robyn! Your love for him is what shines through.
Oh good! I was afraid there was too much focusing on the deficits when he really is a great guy and a big softie. Thank you so much!
You are so welcome!
He’s found his way through life. The washing the personality out is the reason we (or should I say son) decided not to go for meds. It’s his personality. It’s got to be so tough for you as well. Especially that bit about him needing to be with people. I bet that puts you too often in company your not prepared for or comfortable with. You’ve touched on that before. Take care.
You know where it gets me is that Bob is a pure extrovert so he just assumes EVERYONE wants to get out and so he will set up outings for me. But when it comes to group stuff, I usually just stay home with Declan when he takes the big kids out places. THAT works better for me. I can totally appreciate your son not wanting to take them. I know Bob would gladly give them up.
Awww! The love in this post shines through.
Oh good! Thank you!
👍🏻
There’s a month for everything. I think it’s hard to write a post like this. There’s a delicate balance you need to tread. I’m way harder on myself than anyone else. I’d be worried that I might drag Susan through the mud if I blogged about her. It sounds like Bob has a great attitude towards his ADD (which sounds much more like ADHD). It seems like he’s found great way to cope. It’s a bummer his meds blank him out.
There really is a month for everything. Holy cow, this post was hard to write. Bob has always encouraged me to write about him. He’s given me free reign, I just steer clear for the same reason. For this one, I sent it to Bob to review first. And even though he really liked it I still felt some hesitation. At times I felt I was focusing on all the deficits, and I didn’t want to paint a deficit picture. I agree about the ADHD part. I think it is one of those weird circumstances – kind of like a doctor today still diagnosing a person with Asperger Syndrome today instead of ASD. His Dr. was old school (now retired) and once he said ADD that is what stuck even though I think ADHD is the official diagnosis now. The meds erase his personality, it does suck for that reason. They do help for work (and for whenever we need to figure something out that requires thought). Tough!
Great post. My youngest child was diagnosed with ADD when she was in college.In grade school she was gifted. Even as an educator I was confused about some things about her. I was forever talking to her teacher, her gifted teacher, and special ed teachers even though she was not in special ed. Then, in college, she began seeing a psych doc and they figured it out. It explained so much. She is uber enthusiastic about developing plans for a family function, wearing the rest of us out with her ideas. Then, she suddenly changes her mind about things that we are expecting to do when she comes to town for a visit.
Your husband sounds like a great guy!
Your daughter too! Once Bob was diagnosed I think he felt such a relief. Because that day at the barber he realized what was different when he was on his medications and able to sit still. He realized he wasn’t a bad person. He told me there were so many times he would go into a class and say to himself, “Today I am going to pay 100% attention on the teacher and material.” only be lost and off task within minutes. Sounds like a tough struggle! Just glad your daughter and Bob found the help they needed.