Applying Learned Social Skills

Hunched over the garden, pulling weeds I heard a loud shriek.

“Uh-Oh,” I thought as I stood up.

I pushed my ear out towards the neighbor’s house and listened.

“THAT’S IT!  I AM GOING TO KILL YOU WITH A STICK!” I heard Declan screech from three houses away.

In high gear I ran to the neighbor’s backyard.  I saw Catelyn trying to talk to Declan while the neighborhood kids stood and stared.

I could tell right away they had been playing a game.

I could tell right away Declan lost.

I could tell right away some kids were annoyed with Declan.

“Declan,” I called from the other side of the yard, “It’s okay.”

“NO, IT’S NOT YOU STUPID IDIOT!  GO AWAY!  I AM GOING TO KILL THEM WITH A STICK!” Declan yelled looking wildly around a thankfully barren back yard.

“Declan,” I said as I neared with my hand signing “stop.” I imitated three big breaths.

“GO AWAY YOU GREAT BIG DUMMY!”

“Declan,” I heard Catelyn soothe, “Let’s go home and get some ice cream.  Don’t you want some ice cream?  With rainbow sprinkles and whipped cream?  Let’s go home and get some ice cream.”

“I am NOT GOING HOME!”

For twenty minutes we moved two inches forward, two inches back.  Calm words were overpowered by insults, cries and threats until a calmer Declan was able to take steps in one direction.  And eventually found himself at our kitchen table, sniffling through a large bowl of ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and whipped cream.

Applying Learned Social Skills

Once, while I was watching one of the kid’s soccer games, I heard Declan start to scream at kids he had found on the sideline to play with.  I offered to take Declan away from them when a girl replied, “That’s okay.  We are older than him and we should adjust our game to play to his age.”

Kids like that ‘wow’ me.

Unfortunately, in our neighborhood we have a couple of kids that aren’t there yet.

When Declan gets upset and throws insults, they throw the insults right back.  They challenge his beliefs.  They see Declan become enraged and they push mean words harder.

They are aware Declan is autistic.  But they don’t seem to understand what that means.  They don’t “get” Declan.

Playing games, specifically LOSING at games, is something Declan continues to work on at school with his social skills teacher.  It’s written in his IEP.  In his IEP he also works on social skills, peer conflict, expressing emotion, playing by the rules, sharing, respect, etc. – through play, role play, worksheets.

In the controlled school environment Declan does well.  With his 1/1 aid, his supports, his teacher he is taught useful skills in communication and play.  When Declan takes a step off course, he is coached back to successful interactions.

Maybe it is the presence of supportive staff, or just a bunch of ‘wow’ kids, but Declan’s peers are respectful of Declan as well.  He is shining right now at school.

Here’s my Catch-22.  Declan is doing well with his social skills goals in his IEP in THAT environment.  APPLYING what he has been learning to his home social environment is sometimes a challenge.

I wish I could keep Declan around ‘wow’ kids all the time.  I wish he could have supports follow him wherever he goes.   I wish Declan had hours of fun playtime outside with peers.

At school, Declan is learning skills and succeeding in a supportive controlled environment.

There is a lot of social learning that occurs outside of school too.  It IS useful as the world is full of “button pushers.”  Helping Declan apply that learning in his home social environment continues to be a major focus for us.