We were in our usual seats for seeing the pediatrician.
I was sitting in the parent chair, Declan sat in the corner of the room, on the floor, facing the wall. And even though I turned off the bright lights of the room, Declan sat with his hands over his head.
We were seeing one of the pediatricians at the practice we go to for Declan’s five-year-old well visit. An older gentleman in his sixties.
The doctor greeted us and sat on his round rolly stool. He glided his way over to his computer, making small talk. We started talking about Declan’s well being while the doctor made notes on his computer.
I reminded the doctor that Declan had autism and would not be going to kindergarten in the fall but continuing with his special education preschool.
Appearing intrigued, the doctor swirled around to face me on his rolly stool and began to ask questions.
“Is he a savant? Like the character in Rain Man?”
My shoulders sagged, “No, he’s not a savant.”
“If I were to drop a box of toothpicks on the ground, would Declan be able to tell me how many toothpicks there were? Like the guy in the movie?”
“Declan would say he saw 2 toothpicks, because that seems to be his favorite number right now. Whenever someone asks, “How old are you?” He yells “Two!” Holding up three fingers, even though he is five.”
“Oh. How are his repetitive behaviors? If there were a button that made a flashing light, would he sit and push it repeatedly?”
“I don’t know about the button. I do know that he will sit and watch the same ten second video clip from YouTube for an entire day, though.”
The doctor nodded and swirled his rolly stool back around to face his computer. The visit continued.
Recently, Debbie over at Retirement – My New Reality wondered in a comment if there was ever and offending question someone had asked me or any other reader about autism.
I had to sit back and think about this question. I have certainly been offended by things someone has said to me about autism. I think that list looks like:
“He’s fine.”
“My kids do that – that doesn’t mean anything.”
“Give him to me for a week. I will fix him.”
“I don’t see it”
“He doesn’t have autism – He just made eye contact with me.”
The list could go on, I guess. But let’s move on.
When it comes to being offended by a question, the closest I came was with the doctor that day. Really, I was just annoyed.
He was asking the questions based on his knowledge of autism. Knowledge he obtained by watching Rain Man.
There are times I get upset when I see information about autism being put out that’s incorrect (and a lot will be coming in Autism Awareness month). I read information that indicate that people on the spectrum are prodigy’s or savants. Last year I even read one post that indicated if you are on the spectrum you are good at math.
My kids aren’t little prodigy’s, savants or exceptionally good at math. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I am telling you today, they are not.
These assumptions or misinformation annoy me. But I would rather talk about it then have someone assume they know my kids because they watched Rain Man.
When it comes to questions, I have always encouraged them. If you want to know something, please ask. I want to have those autism conversations. I’d love to talk about our family – tell you how cool my kids are. Get rid of any assumptions.
But that is just me. Have any of you ever been offended by an autism question? Is there anything you would not want to be asked?
Any feedback would be great! Thank you!
I don’t want to offend, but I have to know, Robyn: Does your son know Tom Cruise?
Hahahaaaa…you never cease to make me smile 🙂
😀 Stop that.
That made me smile too 😁
lol
You are right on for annoying questions. Sammy is no prodigy or math wiz. Her obsession with bugs is just that… not the details and knowledge of scientific names. She loves bugs. I have gotten the same comments from the list. And I encourage questions as well. Thanks for sharing your family
I am glad you can relate – thanks for sharing!
My second son is deaf. That’s obviously different than autism, but some of the questions that were asked about his speech, hearing aids, why, etc. use to make me just look at people at times like they were from Mars. Sometimes common sense is uncommon. It is frustrating.
And by the way, my son speaks with the “deaf tone” and as an adult people often ask him, “Where are you from?” Instead of explaining, he now just says “Poland” and they quit asking questions. Lol
And one more by the way, the doctor you wrote about is a nimrod!
My friend in high school was (is) deaf. He said the most annoying thing is people assuming he’s stupid. Even after he (through his interpreter) explained that the teacher could still look at and address HIM in conversation, the teacher looked at the interpreter, talked to her, and spoke s-l-o-w-l-y.
Ouch! That had to hurt!! My son knows a few signs, but we went the oral route with him, but even so, people would talk over him, around, him, and yes, assume he was slow. Still do, even though he is the kindest, most gentle person I know!
For Robyn, having an autistic child has to be even more difficult, for there isn’t a hearing aid to point to. You can’t show them a wheel chair, or an artificial limb, or talk about insulin for childhood diabetes, or have a seeing eye dog. Autism is often invisible to the general public, which to me, would seem much harder because the natural compassion some other children may receive, may be overlooked. I so appreciate this blog and Robyn’s open, honest evaluation! Her children are truly blessed to have the parents they do!!
I’m sorry for your son. Yes; my friend is a computer programmer. Even with modern technology, he still gets overlooked.
I agree with you about Robyn and autism. Internal struggles are so difficult to see, and many, many people assume stupid things (that they often say) instead of just being kind or thoughtful.
Robyn is awesome!
Totally agree!!!
Thank you so much!
Thank you, Jeff!!
Oh, wow – that does sound frustrating.
Yes, I have since asked to see other Doctor’s in the practice. There is one that is spot on when it comes to Declan and his autism, so that is good. In general, I keep the colds and flus for the Doctor’s office and I keep the autism for the people that work with Declan.
Understandable AND smart!!!
Thanks Jeff! 🙂
Gosh I hope you don’t have to deal with getting offended too much. People can be annoying.
Oh, thank you! I don’t. People don’t really offend me anymore. Once Declan was diagnosed it is amazing how your circles change and you go to the ones that support you. I found our circle and it works great for us! 🙂
I’m so glad you have a good circle!!!
Perhaps you could point out that Declan does not even look like Dustin Hoffman. Good Grief!!
Haha!! You are right, Anne! No resemblance there! 🙂
I’m amazed you held it together. It is so frustrating you get done Health Professionals who clearly understand autism and then you get others…. I’m with you – I want to open up the conversation so we can’t start to address sone of these dangerous misconceptions. Every kid is unique regardless of whether autism is involved or not. Yes some autistic kids have exceptional talents (as do some kids who are not autistic). The difference is that often autistic kids don’t get the same chance to shine or are incorrectly bracketed. I remember losing it with one Doctor who refused to ask our son questions rather they tried to talk through me, he said that due to autism he had diminished cognitive reasoning….clearly the Dr had seen Rainman… Sorry don’t know the US system but can you request to see a Dr with experience in Autism (rather than a popcorn movie expert).
That’s true! Trying to find the right people who know how to work with our children to make them shine is soo important. Thankfully, I have found another Doctor in our practice who I go to for Declan – she understands autism and works so well with him, it’s great. In general though, I find that I only go to the Doctor’s office for sickness and I go to the people that work with Declan to talk about autism issues. They are so supportive. And the doctor’s that reference or understand autism through a movie really need a hefty dose of autism awareness!
Wow. I found my son’s doctor because of issues at school, so he’s well-versed in behavioral disorders, etc. In fact, he’s better informed than I am since I have little time to read.
I’m with you about the offensive questions. I hate the “he’s just a boy,” “what’s wrong? (when they KNOW he has issues),” and “if you try _____” comments.
My kids ARE good at math, but none are Rain Mans. Dude; besides the behavioral/developmental things, there ARE such things are interests, natural abilities, and personality.
Oh, “Have you tried…” statements can be frustrating, I agree.
That is so true – these are little people with their own personalities!
I would not be offended if the question was genuine, like coming from another mom or child, for example. Context is also important; if a mom called to ask me how to best include my kiddo in a birthday party – I would be over the moon, not offended. If a medical professional, as in your story, asked me something that they clearly should know – my mama bear instincts would kick in and I’d probably say something I might later regret.
I totally agree – I would not be offended at all if the question was genuine – and would so love to have a call like that! Thankfully at our practice I found a Doctor well versed in autism and Declan and it works great. But really, I only go there for sickness and keep my autism discussions for the professionals that work with him.
I tend to get offended when I am asked where the autism came from. Is it genetic? I generally say that it doesn’t matter where it came from. It is here and we love our child.
That is a great answer for that question, I agree.
I was smiling about the Tom Cruise quip 😟
He’s a funny one, up there 🙂 Sometimes he makes a serious comment and I am so thrown off as I am used to his comical personality 🙂
Thanks, Robin. Great post. I forwarded this link to my friend. I felt like I was listening again to some of the people who talked to me for my book. Several heard some of the same comments. I’ll fix him, He’s fine. When at a loss for words, remain silent might be a good motto.
That is great, Debbie – thank you! I was happy to get a lot of feedback on this one and to hear that others have heard similar things. Honest questions are welcomed. Negative or minimizing statements – not so much. I would prefer silence too. Thanks again, Debbie!
I am actually astounded that that was a doctor. But then I think about some of the doctors I’ve encountered who seem oblivious to human interaction and then I’m not so astounded. But you would think they’d know something about autism.
He was getting close with the restricted interests, but still way off with the Rain Man analogy. He is older and I do not think he has any awareness of the autism spectrum and sensory issues. I am finding the younger professionals are more in tune with the times. But yeah, that interaction with the doctor was probably the most annoying I have had so far.
I think knowledge is power and it’s good when people ask questions, rather than assuming they know the answer because of some movie they watched or some other person they encountered.
I’m wary of the “ask me anything” thing some people put on their blogs though, because some people will take this literally and ask questions that go too far into a person’s personal space.
I have been asked some really bizarre things by complete strangers. I usually answer such questions with “why do you want to know that?”
So yeah – questions in general are good, apart from exceptionally nosey ones and ones where people think they know more than you about a subject that they clearly know nothing about!
That is true – I have never had anyone cross the line and ask something personal. But I agree, I wouldn’t answer those.
Yes! I was thinking about this later. I do get upset when another parent gives me parenting advice when they do not have an autistic child. That goes on the annoying list for sure!
“If you knew how he’d turn out would you have still had him” is the most offensive thing I’ve been asked. The rain man stuff gets old. And the treating like they are thick. Oh I’m having a crap day, I’m going before I write an epic novel. X
Haha – I’m sorry your having such a bad day. Hope it gets better! I would hate being asked that one as well. Definitely not a good question!
Great post!! I have just started my own blog on my daughter’s journey.
Thank you! That is great – good luck to you!