I stood in the front office of the elementary school watching the TV screen full of the camera activity throughout the school’s halls and parking lot.
I was waiting for Declan to come to the office for an early dismissal. Bobby’s last middle school basketball game was about to take place, and since it was his last, I wanted to go. Due to the differences in dismissal times and bus schedules the only way I was going to make it was if Declan left school early.
After a couple of minutes, I saw two students walk down Declan’s classroom hallway and turn the corner. I looked to the office window in anticipation and waved when Declan and another student came into view.
Declan followed me out of the office and into the parking lot, smiling big.
“I’m so excited you got me from school early!” Declan exclaimed. “Although I was having a really good afternoon.”
“That’s great, bud! What were you doing before you left?”
“My weekend news rough draft.”
I jerked my head in surprise. “The weekend news?” I asked. “I thought you hated the weekend news?”
The dreaded weekend news. The school subject that caused Declan the greatest distress. In an effort to have the kids practice their handwriting each was to write about what activities they participated in over the weekend.
To disclose these events to his entire classroom was too much for Declan. Whole evenings and mornings were filled with tears and rage about having to disclose his private life to his peers. All the while he continued to lament, “I’m too embarrassed.”
His distress was not only visible at home. His behavior chart came home with glum faces in the subject of writing. I tried to explain to the teacher the level of anxiety and frustration that was also seen at home around the weekend news and his fear of exposure. But when we both came to different solutions to the same problem, I realized Declan’s fears were not understood.
My solution: Can he please write about something else? If you want him to write, he will, but please about something else.
Teachers solution: Please just send me a note each Monday of what he did over the weekend so I can have him write about it.
The teacher declined my solution as I did hers. There was no way I could expose him to his classmates knowing how much stress that would cause him. So, we sat at an impasse. With Declan’s fear and writing in the middle.
I finally reached a solution I never thought I would make or approve of as a parent.
“Declan,” I told him, “You don’t have to do the writing if you don’t want to. If you find yourself getting very upset, just put your pencil down. I will NOT get mad at you. I promise.”
The thing I have come to realize with Declan is, I don’t care about his grades. Honestly, I could care less. As long as I know he’s doing what he can, then I am completely fine.
I know that kids with autism are more likely to become anxious or depressed than their neurotypical peers. According to this article, kids with autism are 40% more likely to be diagnosed with some sort of anxiety disorder. This article states that kids with high functioning autism are 30% more likely to be diagnosed with depression compared to their neurotypical peers. My eyes are on my kid’s mental health just as much as their physical health.
When I watch Declan become anxious, angry and tearful about school I am working to help him stay calm and release his fears. Even if that means he will fail a subject. Because I do not care about a grade. I care about the mental health of a boy in distress.
I walked out of the school with Declan wearing a look of confusion on my face.
Declan, who had been staring at the ground as we walked to our car, looked up and smiled at me.
“I don’t hate the weekend news anymore. I decided to just lie about what I did. This week I told them we went to Valley Forge on Sunday to see the cabins and George Washington even though we didn’t go.”
I stopped short in front of our car with my jaw dropped wide open and then smiled.
“Wow, good one, Declan!” I replied and we got in the car and headed to Bobby’s basketball game.
I tried to work with Declan’s teacher about something that was causing Declan a lot of stress but couldn’t find common ground. Instead, Declan found a solution I didn’t think he would ever do. Lie?! Declan?! Regardless, Declan found a way to get through these weekly assignments.
Knowing that Declan is at a higher risk of developing an anxiety or depressive disorder my focus is never going to be about his grades. My focus will always be in helping Declan obtain HIS highest academic potential while keeping his mental health intact. That is how I see him achieving the best person he can be.
I’m so proud of Declan!
Thank you! Me too – pretty clever!
What a great answer. I think anxiety takes over their lives.
Thank you! I think so too.
When I was reading this post I was thinking Declan should just make something up, brilliant ❤️ Good for him x
You know, I didn’t think to encourage him this way because he doesn’t usually lie – I didn’t think he could. I was pretty proud of him for figuring a way out that made him feel good though. Thank you, Elaine! 🙂
I don’t class this as lying Robyn, it’s great because he is using his imagination which is far better than writing I went to the park etc, he is so brilliant and very gifted and such a blessing 💜
We did do this trip about six months ago – he’s just putting it as last weekend. Works for me! You’re right – he is a blessing 🙂
It’s a great solution for this particular problem. He could always fall back on watched TV, played with my dogs, ate dinner… it’s just a handwriting exercise.
Ha! You’ve seen Ben’s writing and he’s 11😱🤣
For whatever reason he doesn’t feel comfortable saying any of those things. I told him he could say he played outside or played his video game. But being truthful about what he did, however mundane the task, still provokes the same response – “I’m too embarrassed!” But saying he did something he didn’t do is fine. He’s not crying, he’s not screaming – I’ll take it!
He is a star. People don’t realise what an effort school life can be for so many kids. I hear you with the anxiety, it’s such a problem for many great kids. Sadly too many teachers don’t have the specialised training to make a difference in this area. The best result does seem to be to just get them through the day with the anxiety levels kept as low as possible. Have you ever thought about homeschooling?
I haven’t ever thought about homeschooling. This is the first time that things are not going well. I don’t know if homeschooling would work for us. Declan doesn’t listen to me as he does his teachers. Trying to get homework done alone is such a struggle. But if things start to really affect his mental health in the future, it would have to be a path I’d have to consider.
That teacher sounds like an idiot. May Declan’s tales get taller and taller.
I agree. I was feeling so helpless. Then he came along and found a way to fix the problem. I hope they do too! That would be great.
Declan isn’t lying; he’s learning to write fiction!
That’s true! I’m looking forward to see what story he writes about next week and in the weeks to come 🙂
There is only one truth; but, you have an infinite number of fictions to choose from…
I’m enjoying his tall tale this week – can’t wait to see what reality he creates next week!
You are right, the focus isn’t on the grades. I agree, it can sometimes be hard to find common ground (especially when it comes to educational practice).
Keep up the great work you are doing as a mother.
Well don Declan!
Thank you! I agree – to me, if the teacher wanted him to practice his writing there was a million other topics he could have written about that would cause him less stress. And if he was feeling that stressed (and she was that inflexible) then just don’t do it. I’d rather he be mentally well and fail than a shaky crying mess to get through an assignment.
Thank you so much! You too!
Thanks for sharing such an encouraging example, I’m proud of you and Declan. It’s unfortunate when adults stress academic excellence at the expense of a child’s mental health.
Thank you! I agree. There had to be something else he could have written about that would be less stressful for him. I would rather he be mentally well and fail an assignment than be a shaky crying mess to get through someone else’s criteria. P.S. I just got the book – thank you! I am looking forward to reading it!
Thanks, I’m glad it reached you safely!
This post resonates deeply with me. School and our son’s education is such a maze. As neurotypical parents, so many times we try to one way through the maze, only to turn back and try another way. When we let our kids break through the walls of the maze with the tools we didn’t know they possessed, it’s only then we can find our way out.
Yes! I was so lost trying to help him with this. Yet, it turns out he figured a way out all on his own. That’s great and a big lesson for me, you’re right!
Weekend News has it’s place as a writing exercise in second grade. Kids write best about what they know. Having to share the news with peers, takes it to a different level. It makes me think of show and tell when I was a teacher. The suburban school at which I taught was very diverse. We had children who rode buses from the inner city, children who lived in neighboring federally subsidized apartments, and those who lived in $750,000 homes. We had children from foreign countries who knew little English and children with autism who might not be verbal. Show and tell could be very embarrassing for many of the children. One child might bring a souvenir from an expensive vacation while another brought a rock or leaf they found at the bus stop that morning because that’s all they had. I abandoned show and tell for that reason and provided other, more equitable opportunities for children to talk in front of their peers. Could it be possible that Declan’s embarrassment over the Weekend News is not about the writing but about the sharing? Watching TV over the weekend might be like finding a rock at the bus stop.
Keen insight. I was looking at this the same way as King Ben’s Grandma – what’s the big deal? Just put down these silly things that every kid does and blend in. I used to help in the classrooms of the bigger kids when they were little, and kids wrote about “watching TV” like activities all the time. When the tears first started he was crying because he didn’t have anything to write about because he didn’t do anything. I realized that he hadn’t – he actually didn’t leave the house at all that weekend except to go to church. But when I pointed out that he DID do things, he was “too embarrassed.” Maybe he was actually too embarrassed because some of the other students did something much bigger and more fun. Thanks for pointing this out! Really helps!
I wouldn’t call that lying. I would call it using his imagination. My husband said that he used to dread the first essay right after school holidays because they were always asked to write about what they did during the holidays. He and his siblings worked in their parents Chinese take-away their entire holiday. There was nothing to write about. But the teachers insisted: So he used to make it up and let his imagination run wild. Well done to Declan!
Good point! I am happy he used his imagination to come up with some fun activity to write about. I am excited to see what events he creates in weeks to come! Thank you, Joy!
Hey; he’s writing. Sounds like a win-win!
Yep! I loved how he solved this – win – win!
Absolutely love the passion in these words. Stirred me 👍✌️❤️
Thank you, Lee!
Nice one Declan! It’s not fair, but sometimes you just need to tick the box or play the game or do the thing that’s expected of you. And if you can find a way to do that thing in a way that avoids the thing that will distress or make you anxious, that’s even better.
I agree! I was really proud that he was able to find a solution that made his teacher happy. And it is good work on the imagination – win,win!