“Heads Up!”
That is what I put in the subject line of the emails I send to Declan’s teachers after he has had a rough night or morning.
Nights or mornings filled with crying, yelling, hitting, demands, refusals. Nights with no sleep. Sometimes the subjects of these outbursts are school related, other times they are not.
Either way, the behavior and emotions are so extreme I try to let the teacher know what will be walking through their classroom door once Declan gets there. I mean, I would love the heads up if I were his teacher and knew a powder keg was headed my way.
Through the years I have received similar responses.
“He was fine.”
“He came in upset but ended up really having a great day.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
The response has always been so steady, I don’t even send “Heads Up!” emails anymore. I’ve reached a different conclusion all together.
Declan is a different child at home than he is at school.
When Declan started Kindergarten, the strangest thing happened.
Nothing.
At least nothing I had prepared the teacher, the 1/1 aid, the support staff for regarding Declan’s triggers, quirks, mannerisms. Everything that had been a part of Declan’s emotional and behavioral responses in preschool were absent.
No problems with transitions, no physical aggression. No apparent difficulties with socialization because he kept to himself.
The one thing I had never witnessed him be able to do, he was doing.
He “turned himself off.” That was the best way I could describe what was happening because no sooner was Declan home and all the behaviors and reactions were there. Just for me. I didn’t know he could do that. Up to that point, the special education preschool and home were seeing and working through the same issues.
Through the years I’ve sent “Heads Up!” messages about some problems Declan was having at home. Running from our parked car through a parking lot impulsively numerous times, running away from home in angered frustration numerous times, throwing things at others, hitting peers, with tears and frustration when a social situation turned south – ALL THE TIME.
Surely, I am not the only one witnessing the impulsivity, elopement and problems in social situations, right? They MUST carry over to the school day, right?
Apparently, they, among other things, do not.
For all my attempts to help give the teacher a kind “Heads Up!” I’ve started to feel like I’m the one that is the problem. A “Mom’s blowing smoke, again!” kind of feeling. If Declan is appearing so well in school, then I must be lying. Or worse, if we are having such a hard time at home then that must be because we are bad parents. We are not providing the correct boundaries or support to gain school day Declan.
With good intentions, teachers or support staff provide me with referrals for outside agencies to provide in-home services. The school doesn’t need to address these issues as the behavior doesn’t happen at school. Not only that, if he is doing so well in school, what happens next?
The services will begin to disappear.
Declan has come so far and has been supported so well. He’s achieved so much. But I can tell you, whether in school or with in home services, Declan knows what to say are appropriate social responses. However, actually PERFORMING the appropriate social response in real life is still a work in progress.
Are there problems at school? I don’t know. This is the first year the teacher hasn’t called to discuss an incident about Declan at school, but in all honesty, there isn’t much communication between home and school at all.
I do know there’re behaviors and emotions we’re working through at home. I do know there’ve been a lot of rough evenings and mornings that I no longer give a “Heads Up!” for. Declan is a different child at school than he is at home. But I can say this for sure: If Declan has learned to hide these behaviors or feelings at school, that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
I can’t believe how tough this must be for you. You must end of constantly doubting yourself. But your the person who knows Declan better than anyone. With my son his last school wasn’t too bad. They mostly looked out for Asperger behaviour and tried to communicate with me. At least one email a week. In his new school not had a single email. When I ask they clearly are not interested and are dealing with other priorities. Hang in there your doing a wonderful job. x
Oh how I wish I could get an email once a week. This year less than half of my messages even get answered. I’m constantly just left hanging. And since I was sure what was happening at home was going to happen, to some degree, at school I would give my heads up – and get the feeling that the issue was turned around and I was the one causing drama. So, forget it. BUT this year the IEP now has a new teacher, new special ed teacher, new principal – practically a new everyone and I feel so separate from the school in a way I never have before. So frustrated. Thanks though! I do appreciate the vote of confidence. x
It’s the same here. School don’t seem to reply to emails, even the pre warning ones. If they occasionally do it’s clear they haven’t even read what I’ve sent in. I guess we just got to keep banging away. But frustrating is so the right word.
We had some of the same things with our Brandon. It was like he held it together really well at school and would explode when he got home. I talked with everyone at the school and got them to give him more breaks during the day. It took some time, but I reminded them that we all have to work together. More breaks at school made a huge difference in our house. Hang in there!
Thank you so much! That is a good idea. I wish the school and I were working better together. We used to work as a team, but now it just feels so us/you. Hopefully a better dynamic works out for us. Thanks again!
You are welcome! There were definitely years that were better than others. We had one therapist tell us she didn’t really care to know what was happening at home. She was just there for school. Pitiful. She was gone the next year so I assume she had problems with other parents as well.
Yikes! That’s good she’s moved on. I agree, to help the child you need to know what is going on at home too.
First, and most important, it is NOT bad parenting! Exactly the opposite in fact. Kids who are ‘angels’ at school and blow up at home do so because they feel SAFE enough to do it at home. They know they’re loved and can ‘let it all hang out’. If Declan is repressing so very much at school, something is really bothering him.
Ben had a teacher(at a previous school)who had zero behavior problems from him. We were amazed. We even ditched the Behavior Plan. Then she didnt come back to the school the next year. Apparently there were reports of possible abuse. I never got the full story, but she no longer works for the district.
Keep writing the emails for documentation purposes! There may not be a ‘problem’ with the school or teacher, but Declan is repressing too hard at school. That’s my opinion anyway.
Hugs to you!! Remember…he feels safe & loved at home!!💌
That’s not a bad idea to keep emailing. The teacher doesn’t respond to half (and never by return email, for (I believe) leaving a paper trail) but at least I can show I have tried. I just really hate the responses I do get – as if I am the one with problem just causing unnecessary drama. Whatev’s I got to get over it.
That’s a good point about feeling safe to be himself ta home where he knows he is loved. Last year I got a lot more phone calls and there were a lot more questionable behaviors – like purposefully sleeping in class – but I think he did that because it was his second year with that teacher and he felt a level of comfort to do those things. Although, there were a lot of days I thought were going to be tough, he did better than I thought.
Thank you so much!! I so appreciate it!!
When my daughter started school, I expected lots of communication to be coming my way. But none did. It seems she reserved her “best self” for her teacher and other authority figures at school. At home we got all the rest. It sort of seemed like a rip off, but I’ve grown to appreciate her ability to be the kid the teachers all rave about. And some of that behavior has rubbed off at home too. My guess is Declan does the same thing.
Yeah, I am thinking that too. I was surprised he was able to do that so young. I am happy he is having good days at school, I just wish there was more continuity. But, like Sophie, hopefully some of that behavior will start to rub off at home too.
We’ve had similar situations with our little T. Holds it in during the day and lets it all out when he comes home. For what it’s worth, it means you are his safe space. 🙂
Thank you! 🙂
I’m sure if there was anything concerning they would get in touch with you Robyn, I know my eldest daughter could be a handful at home yet an angel at school and even the cat behaves like a pussy cat at the vets. Trust others to be in control and never doubt the great job you do either. 💜
You’re right – thanks, Elaine!
😘
I haven’t read all the comments and I’m sure you may have come to this conclusion already…but as a person with autism, to me it sounds like Declan is experiencing burnout. He’s working so hard to be like everyone else at school. So when he gets home, all of that exhaustion gets poured out on you. Worrying about the services disappearing is a legit fear. I wish I could do more than tell you to communicate to the teachers about masking and burnout. But that’s really all you can do. Maybe someone will take the time to listen or do their own research.
Thank you, yes I would hate to see the services go because he “appears” to be doing so well. The way I see it, things are only going to get tougher when he leaves the elementary school and goes to the big sea of middle school and high school. Trying to communicate to them about masking and burnout now is a good idea and just hope someone listens. Thank you!
Robyn, so sorry that the year continues to be tough.. I agree with leaving a paper trail and don’t let the system make you feel like you are to blame. Hang in there.
Thank you!
You have taken the words right out of my mouth. My oldest son, Leeland, is the same way. Very little, if any, behaviors at school. I constantly write notes and emails to his teacher. We just moved schools and at the initial meeting I explained everything about my child and the only thing that has proved right was he doesn’t eat well and has a little trouble transitioning to something new. I was told they would come up with a “sheet” to fill out everyday so the teacher didn’t have to write a note or email me. I love my paper trail because then I can say, you said this, this, and this on this day without having to worry that his teacher will go back on what was said or promised. I even had the autism coordinator tell me that sending my kids to the local Autism center for specific therapy is a bad idea and they could do it at school. I just found your blog and I am hoping to learn from you in some way shape or form.
So happy to connect! I am so surprised and how well my son masks or hides the issues that flood us at home when he is at school. Also, all the problems and concerns he brings home about school somehow don’t bubble over the surface when he is there, after I have alerted the school of all the tears he had shed about some issue. I am glad he is having good days but it will only lead to a decrease in support and all the problems will still be there. Frustrating!