- Took her friends – went out of her way to take the girlfriend Catelyn shared half of a “BFF” necklace with
- Went out of her way to get to the playground first to be sure Catelyn could not use her favorite playground equipment – numerous times
- Told Catelyn she was not allowed to sit with them at lunch time and that she had to sit by herself – numerous times
- Wrote negative notes about Catelyn calling her names, passing the note around the room and leaving it on Catelyn’s desk for Catelyn to see – numerous times
- If playing games on the playground, most days Catelyn was not allowed to play. Catelyn would cry and sit on the “buddy bench” a helpful bench kids are supposed to sit on when in need of a friend.
- Created a group of girls that pinpointed Catelyn as the outsider
And the straw the broke Catelyn’s back
7. Catelyn gets easily overstimulated, and on the bus, it was a problem. The bus driver told Catelyn she had to sit in the first row of bus seats, so the bus driver could keep a close eye on her. Catelyn was in second grade at the time and had befriended an afternoon kindergartener to sit with every afternoon in the front seat. Realizing Catelyn like her seat this girl took another girl to sit there with the kindergartener pushing Catelyn to the bus floor. Catelyn came home and cried in her room for hours.
Bully? Or just plain mean?
I was recently writing a letter to Catelyn’s principal to ask her a favor.
“Please put Catelyn in the same classroom of the girls she has friended this year, that are supportive and accepting of Catelyn. This has been her best year yet. They help Catelyn socially, academically and have been such a positive influence on Catelyn in her big picture. And I would like to continue to see Catelyn soar.”
As a part of the letter, I wanted to remind the principal that Cate is not to be placed in the same class as one particular little girl.
And as I was writing the letter, I hesitated with one word.
Did I think this girl was a bully? Or was she just plain mean? So I started writing the list above to myself.
When Catelyn was in second grade she became the target of another little girl in her class. Catelyn has a hard time regulating her emotions and the girl saw her weakness. In kid terms – Catelyn’s buttons are easy to push and when you push them, you’ll get a BIG reaction. And this girl figured it out.
Second grade was the grade that broke Catelyn. My happy go free little girl was facing big kid issues. And she became depressed.
None of these events happened all at once. They happened one by one.
Catelyn’s teacher was a long-term substitute for the regular teacher. My concerns were met with a continuous well-meaning response: “I will talk with the girls and make them be friends.”
Nothing changed. So, I went to the guidance counselor and asked that Catelyn never be placed in the same classroom as this girl again.
There was good that came from this in a sense.
After watching Catelyn become depressed, tearful and requesting solitude I got her involved in therapy. When I did the clinician picked up on the core of what was happening with Catelyn. I was told Catelyn would be treated for High Functioning Autism. Without getting that support Catelyn may still be facing a lot more struggles.
Every year I remind the guidance counselor to keep Catelyn away from her tormentor from years past.
This year I reminded the principal as well.
But before I identified this girl as bully, was that what I really think she was? “Bully” is a big word – it holds a lot of meaning. Did I really want to use it in relation to this girl? Or was she just a great big meanie?
At the time these were all single events, some occurring frequently. Standing alone, they are just indicative of “mean” behavior. But when I compile the list – and this is the list I know about! – together this makes the behavior of a bully.
Yes, I felt okay using the word bully.
I was not being an oversensitive parent.
The girl continuously went out of her way to hurt Catelyn. She enjoyed watching Catelyn cry.
I did use the word bully in my letter to the principal. It was with great thought.
But that wasn’t the point of my letter. Catelyn does not qualify for services. But she has done VERY WELL with the right supports in place. And if she was around the right social support, maybe she could have another great year.
The principal’s reply:
We’re on it! We hope to see her continue to soar, too. J
I agree, bully! Glad you chose to use it.
Thank you!
Now, if only all parents would help defend their kids against all the bullies in the world! Fought my own share of fights against a bully growing up. She didn’t think I would hit back, the blood flowing from her face told her otherwise! Don’t enjoy fighting, but I had taken enough from her.
That is what my husband says too – hit if you need to. You may get in trouble but the other person knows to leave you alone. I am still a “words first” girl – but I kind of agree with the theory! Glad you stood up for yourself!
Call it what it is! I agree.
Thank you, Anne!
Bully it is! I came across something similar recently. A friend asked me to take a look at a letter she drafted to the school principal. She said her son was teased at school, people said bad things about him and threw his stuff around. And I was thinking if what she described was bullying or teasing. In the end, I kept to teasing because I didn’t know enough about what happened and whether these were separate incidents involving different kids, and I don’t want to sound accusatory. I did however add something about having clear anti-bullying procedures in place for incidents like these.
Yes! That is what I was trying to determine myself – you hear the word “bully” used for all sorts of behavior that it is losing its weight. I wanted to be sure that what Cate was experiencing was being bullied. Now if a person is mean, or teasing we are so quick to say “bully.” But when I put all the offenses together, and they were led by one child against Cate – it felt like “bullying” and I felt justified using the word.
Bully indeed!
Thank you!
Oh! That little B….!😡😤 Ok… Bully, 2nd grade…but, honestly, reading your list makes me want to go have words with her parents. Of course, this may be where she learned to act that way.
I’m so so happy for Cate & Declan! Their school sounds awesome!!
RE: The spam thing, I’m doing a test. This is #1. I’m going to do a comment #2. Let me know if either goes to spam. I have a theory😄
Oh, her parents! That is a whole other post and it would take a lot for me to be civil – let’s just say that their daughter can do no wrong. She is an only child. I realized there was no use talking with them – and I wanted change. The only change I could get was to never have her near Cate again. I am so happy with their school – it took a little for Cate to settle in, but she is really doing so well – I am so hopeful for her next year too! 🙂
You are right! This one was hear – the other one was in spam!
I figured it out. If I comment from the WP app it goes to spam, if I go to the actual WP site on my browser it goes straight through. Yay! Problem solved.
Yeah, parents like that, you almost feel sorry for the kid. Almost. She’s in for a rude awakening when she gets out in the “real world”.
You’re right! She is!
Re: spam… This is #2…
Also, I got tapped on the quote thing again. Topic is autism. Do you want me to name you as one of my three or would you rather take a pass?
Robyn, you handled this very wisely!! And love the response from the principal! My thought is that the girl is both mean and bully and left unchecked can turn into just plain evil later on. And I love what your husband said about hitting if she has to! If she ever did have to do that, the bully would be far less brazen or passive aggressive the next time because she would always remember the bloody nose and that there is some “fight” in there!
Thank you, Jeff! Yes, I was starting to side with him as well – one hit and the girl would leave her alone for good!
Definitely bully, and that was a wonderful response from her principal. Keep on being a wonderful advocate for your children!
Thank you so much!
She was bully plain and simple. Smh. I’m glad you handled this in a non violent way. The munchkin was bullied a bit in elementary and middle school (one child hit him in the face and another stabbed him with a sharp pencil leaving a small puncture wound). In both cases the school was quick to remove Gabriel from his aggressors.
Wow, that’s scary. I am glad the school was quick to remove Gabriel as well!
The girl who tormented Catelyn is a mean bully. I am glad the Principal helped sort out the problem. Perhaps the bully has unfortunate issues in her own life at home and is in need of help herself.
That could be, Kim!
Girls can be horrendous. Very sad for your daughter, and the other child involved. I hope the bully’s parents were made aware, and took decisive action.
Girls are so much different than boys, I agree! I hope so too!
Aww that sickens me that someone could do that to someone. My youngest grandson is upset because his two buddies at school keep running away when he goes to join them. Children can be so cruel 😟
They can be, I agree. And it hurts to see your little ones hurt! I hope things work out for your grandson!
It’s all a part of growing up, life hurts us all. 🤷🏼♀️
Ive just gone through this this year for the first time. And for the first time ever I had to single out a child that, come hell or high water, my daughter should *not* be placed with for a third year this fall. She can go on her merry way. Anyhow, it’s a tough sitiuation but some behaviors just aren’t tamed and there is no reason to let it go on without speaking up! Best for next school year!
I got it! Yay!
It’s awful , isn’t it? I did not want to point this child out unless it was warranted – and so I sat and wrote the list out – and was ever so thankful I made sure that this girl was never going to be placed near Cate again. I agree – it’s good to speak up! Best wishes to you and your daughter as well next school year!
I haven’t heard back yet but after what I’d said, I was fully expecting being called in for a meeting. I would have liked to do it in person so there was no paper trail but I’m praying for the principals discretion! Ive actually been debating whether or not to post about the situation but after reading this I think I just may 😭😭😭
Bullies are mean people. Because the meanness was directed repeatedly at Cate, I think it classifies as bullying. Proximity is such an important part of friendship. I’m continually astounded by how my children’s friendships morph from year to year based on who is in their classes. Now that Sophie’s in high school, her friendships all seem to be with the science and math kids, because that where her concentration of classes lies.
Yes, I agree. I see it with Bobby as well – when he was playing certain sports, he spent more time with kids that played the same sport. Cate just never found a group – happy that she has found some.