Can you Parent “Should have” or Guilt Free?

“Just stop right there,” Ginny said, and I looked over at her.

Ginny and I were the therapists running a group therapy session in a partial hospital day program for the mentally ill.

Ginny was my senior by 25 years and had worked those 25 years in a therapeutic setting.  She had seen a lot, she had helped a lot.  And I looked to her as a mentor in therapy, as she knew a lot.

“I don’t want to hear you talk about the things you “should” have done,” Ginny continued, “The “shoulds” are a waste of time.  So is guilt.  Guilt is a useless emotion.  Just drop them.  You either do or you don’t.  Accept your choices and stop judging yourself.  Drop the shoulds, drop the guilt.  Okay?  Okay.  Go ahead.”

“Should” and guilt are useless – from the time I heard Ginny say those words 20+ years ago I have let the shoulds and guilt go.  Useless.  Why waste my time?

When someone “shoulds” me now, my left eye instinctively twitches.  Don’t should me.

But every now and again in the parenting role, those words, feelings and emotions DO set in, and I wonder:

Can you get through parenting “should have” or guilt free?

This morning was a tough morning.

There were bad choices made and I had to parent.

Yes, I parent every day.  I bestow hugs, kisses, clean clothes, meals to whoever will eat them and jokes – lots of jokes.

But today I had to bring out the discipline.

Bad choices already have a set of expected outcomes – TV time is lost, device time is lost.

Even though the outcomes are set – there is still yelling, name calling and tears.

Was I a rock star parent that handled the situation like a pro?  I don’t think so.  I think I got a little too emotional – I was mad.  And by the time I was on emotional clean up, I had to try to package up a child’s emotions enough for them to be able to go to school, although there was little emotional resolve as we separated.  I was still wearing my parent pants and held the TV time and device time so desperately wanted.

And I was glum.  I felt bad.  I am a sensitive person and I absorbed the negativity.  For hours.  And the thought train rapidly took off.

Could I have done that differently?  I wished there wasn’t so much yelling.  I should have stopped it all before the tears came.

And there it was.  Another should.

I have been a parent for twelve years.  Twelve very confusing years.  And I haven’t even gotten to the teens yet!

When I look back over the twelve years I see A LOT of things I would have done differently.  And, truth be told, there is some guilt.

I feel guilt for:

• I wish I never listened to the people who told me my kids were bad. Through a raised eyebrow or a negative sentiment.  Because I parented harder to please someone else.
• I wish I never told Bobby and Catelyn they had to stop causing so many problems when they were younger because I had my hands full with Declan. I had no idea Cate was experiencing autism too and wonder if I gave her enough of the support she needed then.
• My kids were born as blank slates. And I vowed to keep them as wonderful and pure as I could from day one.  And when I see my bad habits or hear my negativity come out of their mouths – I put my head in my hands.  I wish I didn’t say or do those things that are now going to be their baggage as well.

Those are just a few.  I am sure if I keep digging I could spew a few more.  I could get into details.

But I realize it doesn’t help to look back and look at the things I should have done instead.  I don’t need the should haves or the associated guilt.  I don’t need me judging me making me feel any worse.

I made my choices and I accept them.  I accept that I have made mistakes – heck, what parent hasn’t?  And if my kids ever came to me and were upset about something I have done in the past, I will apologize and let them know, “I tried my best.”

I don’t look forward with shoulds, I have only looked back.  And I have felt guilt.  But Ginny was right – let them go.

Instead, I choose to learn from my past and continue to try my best.  Happy parenting!