Cathy gave me a hard time at work. Kiera didn’t call me when she said she was going to. That guy at the gas station took my spot at the gas pump, even though my turn signal was clearly on. My boss gave me another hard case again today and laughed at me. Margie blamed me for the dent in the company car, even though I hadn’t even driven it.
“Look at all your negative thoughts you have written down. What do you feel your negative schema looks like?” My professor/psychotherapist from the University of Penn asked as he sat across from me.
My face ablaze. My hands a-shakin.
“I am unlikable.”
“You feel you are unlikable. Let’s challenge that.”
My head down eyes glued to my paper. The burn of my neck and cheek had meandered all the way to the top of my scalp and was burning red.
We started.
Cathy really does give me a hard time at work, but she gives everyone a hard time. Kiera didn’t call, but maybe she was busy. That guy is just an a**hole. My boss feels that I am up for the challenge, although she may be slightly insensitive to my feelings. I didn’t drive the car, and although it doesn’t feel good to be blamed, I am not wrong.
“And Robyn,” my classmate offered, “I like you.”
“Me too,” another person chimed.
I nodded. “Thank you.”
And on we went.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
I got my master’s degree in clinical psychology, focusing on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Part of the process of learning it, you had to go through it. We each did.
I never stayed in a clinical setting after I graduated. I went from being a mental health social worker to a mental health crisis counselor and then left the field completely.
But my training with CBT is still relevant, at least for myself, today.
In my previous post, “”Don’t Look at Me” Social Anxiety and Me,” I wrote about my experience with social anxiety.
Along with my social anxiety, I go through depressive episodes. I don’t think I am alone in this. I read there is a high co-morbidity between the two.
They are depressive episodes because the episodes last less than two weeks. Not to say they are not bad. I feel tired, in a mental fog, tearful. Since I am prone to not want to socialize to begin with, I become even more withdrawn from the socialization I do accomplish – I will avoid neighbors I usually talk with, I stop commenting or blogging, or stop answering the phone.
And the negative thoughts abound.
CBT is a great tool for depressive episodes, at least from my experience. Once the negative thoughts start, I know I need to challenge them. Sometimes I do not have the energy to. It takes time. But I do find success when I can challenge.
My awareness of CBT and my ability to combat the negative thoughts that want to plague my mind helps me to challenge my social anxiety and enter the world as much as I can on any given day. This in turn, also helps my mood.
I bring this all up because this is something that I have been dealing with for a long time.
Long before I was a wife, a mother or an autism mother.
Negative thinking, depressed feelings and withdrawing behaviors are very easy for me to fall into.
I work to combat those negative thoughts. I run. I run a lot. Clears my mind. I enjoy helping in Declan’s classroom and socializing with all the kindergarteners. I love to hear their amazing stories about their pets or their weekend plans.
And I enjoy writing. It is a release that makes me feel good. Sometimes I write about my running in my other blog. In this one, I write a story about autism in my family. In both of my blogs, I write from my perspective.
My perspective has a history. On any given day, my perspective could be tainted by a large cloud surrounding my head. I recognize this could be true for others, too. In the blogging world, we all enjoy writing. We are all different people, coming from a different place to share our worlds.
I think that is pretty special.
Very true and it is rare that no one goes through life without experiencing some form of anxiety or depression 🌹
That’s true! There are some events that I have been through that have dragged me down emotionally all on their own. I agree!
Haven’t talked with anyone who hasn’t lived with anxiety and/or depression! Hadn’t put the two together before you mentioned it. Then again, I do not interact with many people anymore!
Yes, both are pretty prevalent and can both can affect the same person. Substance abuse can also add to the mix (used as a coping skill).
I suffer frequently from social anxiety and depression, especially in the past twenty years. I am mostly a recluse now and only go out to go the the shops, doctor, to drop my son at work, essential trips. I haven’t socialised for years. My problem stems from losing people that I have loved and being hurt by others. Now I avoid people as a form of self-protection. Reading other people’s blogs and writing my own is a great balm and the safest way to comminicate with other people. If they don’t know me, they won’t leave me and can’t hurt me.
I did about three years of therapy in my late twenties. I’m healthier person today because of the work I did then, and continue to do on my own.
I don’t know if it’s human nature to always believe bad things first instead of good about ourselves but it seems like a lot of us do. Of course the mental health stigma doesn’t help either. We go to a MD when we have physical problems. We shouldn’t think twice about getting mental/emotional help.
I’m very thankful to you and all of my WP family. They are part of what keeps me mentally healthy.💞💌💕🌈🌻🌷🌠🌞
You know, my professors all said that. We go to the Dr. once a year for a physical to be sure we are healthy. They all went to a therapist once a year to make sure their mind was not carrying something toxic, or unhealthy, as well. A mental check up. We shouldn’t think twice about going for mental health. I think it is great that you went and are a healthier person today for going. I know I feel better with the skills I obtained in my experience as well. Me too! So very thankful for my WP family!! 🙂 🙂
this is such an amazing piece I could relate to 95% percent of it. you sound like a sensitive person like me we just feel everything alot.
thanks alot for sharing your experience and knowledge.
Thank you so much! I am a sensitive person – I do feel everything a lot. I even begin to absorb the emotion of the person I am around. Thank you for reading!
o God! exactly..I absorb the emotions too…my pleasure 🙂
Thank you so much for this post. I read out parts of it to the kids to help them see the connection between emotions, thoughts and actions and it started off a conversation that I hope helps them work on themselves a lot more. Hard stuff to share, I am grateful that you do put it out there.
Oh, that’s wonderful! I am so glad it sparked a discussion with your kids and helped provide them some insight. Thank you! Sometimes when I talk about what I do as a parent, well, I feel like I have never explained “me” so I thought it was important. Every person is different, every family is different – I am hoping to write more about that soon.
Please do – I would love to learn.
Great piece Robyn – my son (with autism) suffers terribly with negative thoughts.
Thank you! Negative thoughts are tough – I can’t tell you how many times a day I hear them in my head. I encourage your son to continue to challenge his.