Two young boys ambled to the side of the gymnasium where the parents were seated watching the older boys’ basketball game and began to climb the bleachers.
I raised my eyebrows and smiled at them in expectation.
“He told us to shut our mouths and then screamed at us,” one of the boys said.
“So, we decided to stop playing,” the other finished.
I knew who “he” was and nodded.
“Boys, stop!” Their father disciplined, “I am sure he didn’t say that. You’re fine.”
I looked to their father and stood. I transitioned the items from my lap to the bleachers and spoke, “It’s okay. I am sure he said it. He says it all the time when he is frustrated. It just comes from a different place than the way we are used to hearing it.” And to the boys I added with a smile, “I’m sorry.” And headed to the other side of the bleachers to find Declan.
Fifteen minutes earlier I was in front of four boys, all asking to go to the other side of the bleachers to play cops and robbers. Biting my lip, I stood wondering what to say.
The boys were vaguely aware of Declan having played with him before. Most games ended with Declan getting frustrated to tears. Did they recognize he has different needs? That his brain operates a little differently? That he has autism?
Do they even know what autism is?
Four boys stood expectantly waiting. How was I supposed to explain? Declan was among them – he surely did not want me to point out that he was different. THAT sure as heck wouldn’t make him feel good.
I looked to the oldest boy. The one that is so kind and way wiser than his years credit him for. The one most likely to have picked up on Declan’s different needs.
“Are you okay taking the boys over there?” After the boy nodded, I added, “Declan really likes to play with you guys. I will keep checking on you. If he becomes too much, just let me know, okay?”
The boy nodded and off they went.
I sat, cautiously watching the basketball game, peeking over to the side of the bleachers every few seconds. Every couple of minutes, I would go check.
As I neared, I would hear the boys ask Declan, “Why do you spin around so much?”
“Because I like it.”
“Why do you shake your head so much?”
“Because I like it.”
I would give an inquiring thumbs up to the oldest boy, asking if everything was okay. A head would nod in return – everything was okay.
Eventually, Declan hit his regular frustration point, and the boys finished playing. I collected Declan and we started for home.
As I was driving, I started to think about the people that may know Declan has autism in that room. There were only a few. Maybe the others wondered why he stares at the lights, or shakes his head or spins? Maybe they wondered why he says the things he does – but just never asked?
Sometimes I need to explain.
But I also realized, sometimes I don’t.
The boys were asking Declan about himself. And he was able to explain himself.
And, “Because I like it” is a perfect answer.
Declan had a good time with peers away from me. He was able to express himself – and I was thrilled for him.
I wasn’t the only one happy for his playtime.
On the way home Declan stated, “I played with those boys once in 2017 and it did not go well at all. I played with them again today in 2019 and it went great. I hope to see them again soon.”
Know what, buddy? Me too!
My nephew has Asperger’s so I can understand (slightly) what you are going through. No, you shouldn’t have to explain if you ask me!
Sometimes I am just not sure – but you are right! Maybe I should let the situation play out before I feel the need to explain 🙂
I am sure it must be hard to deal with others. Big hugs to you.
Thank you! To you as well!
This is a situation I haven’t yet encountered. The times we’ve been to the park, he just ran around playing on the structures. He doesn’t really have the verbal ability to ask someone to play, if he even wants to, and he’s just this year started doing some imaginative play. I don’t know how he plays with his peers at school or if he does. I know they do some structured games, but free play…no clue.
When (not if) this situation happens with Ben, I think I’ll handle it the way you do. Thanks!💌
For a long time (especially when he lost his speech) I felt the need to explain why Declan was hitting or not seeing the other kids because other parents were either confused or upset by him. I am realizing now I need to take a step back and let him try to do it himself. It’s definitely different! I am rooting for Ben! Been thinking of you guys!
I am so pleased he could explain. Isobelle finds it really hard to make and keep friends.
Declan doesn’t really keep friends, but when he is at one of his siblings sporting events he really wants to play with his peers. I am glad too!
Isobelle doesn’t, only her boyfriend, who sometimes breaks it off. Not easy.
I never know when to mention it or not. My daughters autism is so subtle she often just comes across as ‘rude’ to adults (interrupting conversations etc) so I end up telling them because I don’t want them to think she is rude but now she is getting older I’m questioning whether I should do this.
I am never sure either – sometimes I feel the need to the same way you do. It’s tough!
I know it is a challenging situation but I really like your partial intervention. I think at times it is important for them to figure it out on their own.
Thank you! I think you are right!
You are a master story teller, Robyn! I love this post!!!
Thank you, Jeff!
I think you nailed this again. Perfectly handled. We got burned early on. We were quite open about our son’s diagnosis. But found that many parents started to pull their kids away from him. These days it’s fully up to our son. He decides what is said or not said. Hope you are ok.
Thank you! I agree it is a tough decision. Everything is going well – hope you are okay too! xx
Thanks, everything is ok. Hope your 3 days off are really nice. xx
I smiled at the fact that your son named the year when it did not go well at all, and wonder if he was able to state why it did go well in 2019. I love the way you supported Declan in this situation but also the way you scaffolded the older boy in subtly asking for his help but checking with in him frequently. What confidence this must have given him to know you trusted him but also had his back.
I know 🙂 I was wondering if he remembered the boys – not only did he remember them he remembered the year he felt it did not go well! Wow! Yes, I do trust that little guy – he has such a good head on his shoulders, so wise and friendly for his age. So kind. I do look to those kind of peers around Declan to help through social situations – so thankful for that little guy!
That’s pretty much the response my kids give, too. So far, kids seem okay with it.
Awesome!
Love this! I find, too that it’s situational – I also find that when my kiddo interacts with neurotypical kids, that they learn as much from it as she does.
Thank you! That is true – it’s a learning experience for everyone!