“Why don’t you take some bunny breaths?” Declan asked as he popped his head into the front seat of the car.
The tears in my eyes had welled over as I stared blankly ahead. I pulled my cell phone into view but couldn’t hold it straight. My hands were shaking too bad. I tried taking a deep breath and put the phone down. I turned and looked at Declan.
“What?”
“Try taking bunny breaths. You take three small breaths in through your nose and one big breath out of your mouth.”
I watched Declan take some bunny breaths. Soon, I took some too. Eventually, I calmed down.
“Thanks, Declan.”
I turned back into the front seat and sagged. I was exhausted. Yet I was somehow going to have to get out of the car and go watch Catelyn’s soccer game.
The hour previous had been a nightmare of epic proportions. Hair, shoes, uniform – nothing worked. Nothing “felt” right to Catelyn.
She unleashed all her fury. In words, in mean names, with things being thrown. The color of her face changed, the veins in the sides of her head appeared.
When Catelyn finally arrived at soccer, crying and a half an hour late, I felt as if I had had a meltdown of epic proportions even though I only bore witness and absorbed names.
I felt sad, angry, frustrated. I was wiped out.
A half an hour later Catelyn ran up to me on the sidelines of the game with a big smile on her face.
“Hey, Mom! Did you see me? I scored!”
I nodded. I willed my thumbs up and smiled.
“Great job, Sweetie!”
Catelyn had moved on emotionally and was in a happier place. I was still a sponge of frustration with a look of confusion.
What was happening?
Was this an autistic meltdown for a high functioning tween? Or was this the gateway to……the teen years and all the raging hormones I had been warned about? Maybe both?
In my computer’s favorites, I save a ton of articles. As I was scrolling through them last week, I was happy to see I had saved this one to peruse later.
It’s not just hormones. What’s really happening in the minds of teenage girls.
Perfect timing.
I learn it’s not hormones. In the tween years the development of the brain changes from the latency period to begin further development.
Not only am I, the parent, stunned by these new emotional volcano-like explosions, apparently, my daughter is too.
In the article, I learn of this new concept: externalization. And boy, does it hit the nail on the head.
From the article:
“Externalization is a technical term describing how teenagers sometimes manage their feelings by getting their parents to have their feelings instead. In other words, they toss you an emotional hot potato.
It’s the difference between “Mom, I want to tell you how uncomfortable this very hot potato I’m holding is and see if you’ve got any good ideas for how I might manage it” and “Mom, take this hot potato, I don’t want to hold it any more. And hang on to it for a while.”
When teenagers feel overwhelmed by their feelings and need to do something, they find a loving parent and start handing out potatoes. Lucky for your girl, but not so lucky for you. Parents on the receiving end of an externalization often don’t know what hit them.”
Externalization is done unconsciously. So, I can’t prevent hot potatoes being tossed at me. And the hot potato can’t be handed to a friend. The friend is usually the same age and has a hot potato of their own.
It would appear Catelyn and I have hit a new way to bond. The best thing I can do for her is to CALMLY catch some hot potatoes. Catelyn is prone to BIG reactions to small things. So is Declan. I need to remind them both with my behavior, they are still small things.
And just hope the next time I am blown off my feet in emotional wonder, I have another article tucked in my favorites to help me figure things out.
Yes not sure I’m looking forward to the upcoming teen years.That must have been so tough for you. Yet you were still there for her footy moment. I was the same with all the articles stored. Then I found a better way. Just wait for one of the great parents to read them and do a wonderful post about what she has found. Thank you wonderful parent. x
Haha 🙂 Good plan! I always plan to follow the news and discrepancies within the political/education system but found I can just catch up from another great parents posts about what he has found. Thank you wonderful parent! x
Oh Robyn… hugs, hugs, hugs and more HUGS!! I’m still shocked that I survived the teen years of two daughters. Boys have their own challenges (I had three teen nephews for 6 months too😱), but girls…
I’m here for you! I’ll help you deal with those hot potatoes if I can. I even made a “Contact” page so you can email me if you’d like.
Good for Declan btw! High fives for helping mom with the bunny breaths.
💌
I was thinking of you after her extreme outburst! It wasn’t until the day after that I realized I had absorbed every one of her emotions. Oh, they felt bad. So tough!
And then I was thinking, “What did I do when Bobby did this?” And I realized he has never had an outburst. He doesn’t even talk loud, let alone yell – even to answer me across the house. He’s made some dumb choices, don’t get me wrong – but THIS thing with Catelyn is a whole new ballgame. Good to know about the contact page! Methinks me’s gonna need some help 🙂
I know! I couldn’t believe he was giving me a coping skill when he saw I could use it. So cool!
I have my own potato issues related to puberty and boys who wake up in the dead of the night despite copious amounts of sleep meds. If you have any article recommendations for that, I’d be grateful. (Or, I could start googling it myself instead of throwing my hot potato at you! That would likely be more productive anyway.) Good luck. Try mashing the potatoes with butter and salt. It might help them go down better.
I do have more potatoes than I know what to do with – some butter and salt would definitely help 🙂
Well this is new to me but it makes absolute sense. My daughter is now an adult with two step daughters and her own son. Now she often tells me she doesn’t know how I did it. Well she had some potato issues when she was a teenager. But it was a short lived span of time and I survived and so did she. Once again I salute you Robyn.
Thanks, Anne! I was so happy to come across this article. It was really informative in regards to brain development and this concept of externalization. When the hot potato analogy was brought up – I agree, it made so much sense. We still have to get through the tough times, but good to know it is a short lived span of time!
And in the end you have adult children who are sensible and also good friends. The grow up and realize how much you have done for them. And they also find out they don’t know everything and you do know quite a few things.😊
When they grow up and leave home, I’m not sure you’ll be able to deal with the peace…
A few months ago I felt the kids were at an age where I didn’t want anything to change. I loved the ages, activites, and my level of involvement. Then it hit me that I only have less than 10 years before they are all adults. I don’t want to deal with that peace, you’re right.
Really interesting! I think some adults do the same thing–throw their emotions onto someone else, and then move on, unburdened. Kids can’t help it, of course, and it’s probably really beneficial for them to vent those feelings they don’t know how to cope with. Kudos to Declan for picking up on Mom’s emotional state and offering help!
I agree – I bet adults do this as well. And I agree that even though it may be hard as an adult to have your child throw their feelings at you, your still helping your child with their BIG emotions. I know! How bout that – he gave me a coping skill he learned. That was pretty cool!
Good tips to remember! Thanks!