“Look, the way I see it God gave me 3 different kids with 3 different sets of needs. Declan’s are just a little different.”
“I’m not saying that is not true. I am just saying there are a lot of red flags. There could be something else going on.”
The pediatrician sat in her chair across from me facing her computer, typing. We were there for Declan’s 2 year well visit. My main plan at any of these Dr.’s appointments has always been simple, “get in, get out.”
But as she asked the questions she was supposed to about Declan’s sleep, his diet, his eating habits, etc. My answers were relatively the same.
“Well, no. He doesn’t really do that….”
The Dr. stopped typing and swiveled herself in the stool to face me.
“Look, let me put it to you this way. Have you ever had to do the things you do for Declan, for Bobby and Catelyn when they were this age?”
The phrase that stopped me in my tracks. The one that I always go back to.
“No. I haven’t.” It was true. Raising Declan to that point had been a completely different parenting experience than with my older children. And I left the Dr.’s office agreeing to call for Declan to be evaluated.
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“Okay, are you ready?”
“For what?”
“For me to take your picture! This is a big deal. It’s your first date! We need to take your picture and remember this!
“Yeah, okay!”
“Alright, smile!”
And I clicked his photo.
“Okay. Any last questions?”
“No, I don’t think so. Should I just go wait outside for her to show up?”
“Yes, I guess so. Do you have your money? Remember to buy her a pretzel and a soda. Be a gentleman. Daddy will be here in 10 minutes, so text him if you have any questions, or need any help. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks Mom!”
“Sure thing and remember – HAVE FUN!”
And I sat in the parked car until his date and her mother arrived. Her mother walked the kids in and then let them go have their first date.
Bobby told me they played some video games, then played laser tag, walked the mall and ate pretzels and drank soda. Then they went bowling (we have a very active mall).
My husband was a shadow on the wall, for support (and to sneak a photo).
And when the date was over he told me that Bobby walked over to him with a smile from ear to ear.
“That was the best night ever.”
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I go back to that visit to the Dr. a lot.
God gave me 3 different kids. From the moment I met them, they have all been different. When they were born Bobby scream cried when they handed him to me, until I spoke. Catelyn was silent. Declan gave regular cries.
When I dropped them off at daycare for the first time, I got the same responses from each of them.
Declan was diagnosed with autism early, and has needed different things. He has needed a different preschool, with different services. He needed us to sign him up for different activities than the recreational sports we signed Bobby and Catelyn up for. He’s needed different safety measures just around our house. He’s needed lots more patience. He needs different support to get through his hours at kindergarten.
He’s needed different things but with those things we have achieved the same outcome that we are working towards as parents for each of our kids.
He’s happy.
Bobby went on his first date. It was fun to celebrate this first with him. Maybe Catelyn or Declan will have the same fun experience. Maybe they will never be dropped off at the mall for a first date. Heck, I don’t even know if I will ever be able to drop Declan off anywhere without someone with him.
And I don’t know if they even would want that. Lord knows, I wasn’t interested in dating at Bobby’s age. I never went on a date or to a single school dance until Prom (and the reason I forced myself there was because I didn’t want to be my forty something self using it against me).
I want them all to be happy. And each of them needs different things to achieve their happiness, autism or not, as they have always been 3 different people. And I’m so excited to watch each of them go through each of their “firsts,” and the happiness their “firsts” bring.
I forced myself to be social at a young age. Dated a younger boy my 7th grade year. He turned out to be a pervert who wanted sex at that age! Needless to say I broke up quick. Forced myself to attend school dances (face it got me off the farm working to see my second cousin my best friend for life). Took a boy from youth group at church to my Junior prom. Went stag to my senior prom. At least I made money off my senior prom dress my freshman year in college when I sold it to one of my suite mates.
If going to dances got me out of doing something else less preferred, I probably would have went too! And you found your BFF – that’s awesome. Way to go selling the dress – I kept mine and will pull them out to wear to a function every now and again (I still have the same tastes – plain!)
Hi Robyn. I am so pleased for Bobby having his first date and enjoying it so much. My youngest son, now 19, had his first date at his prom last year but hasn’t had one since as the girl he took only wanted to go to the prom and note ‘date’ him and he doesn’t socialise at all now as all his friends from their all boy high school, have girlfriends. My oldest son 21, has never been on a date. Both my boys are very shy and keep very much to themselves, It worries me no end and I am not sure what to do about it. I didn’t date until I was 22 and so maybe it is a genetic thing.
“And each of them needs different things to achieve their happiness, autism or not, as they have always been 3 different people.” They all have different needs at different times. All you can do is love them. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you for reading 🙂
Isobelle had her first date at age 14. Her boyfriend is autistic too. His parents went to the same restaurant, but a different table, and they had an amazing evening.
That sounds wonderful! So happy she had an amazing evening!
We all are.
So sweet! Different needs for all the little people. And you are stronger for the diversity of challenges you have to face 24/7! I believe I am because of varied experiences in travels, work, and mothering two girls of my own.