“We want our son to make his own mistakes, handle them, learn from them. We don’t want to be helicopter parents.”
My husband and I looked at each other and then back to the couple we were talking to..
“Helicopter parents?” My husband queried.
“Yeah, you know, the parents that are overly involved with their kids lives. They manage everything for their kids – school, friends, sports. Just really over involved instead of letting their child handle those things.”
After we left our friends we went right to Google: “What is a helicopter parent?”
In this article we read:
“Although the term is most often applied to parents of (teenage) students who do tasks the child is capable of doing alone (for instance, calling a professor about poor grades, arranging a class schedule, manage exercising habits), helicopter parenting can apply at any age. In elementary school, helicopter parenting can be revealed through a parent ensuring a child has a certain teacher or coach, selecting the child’s friends and activities, or providing disproportionate assistance for homework and school projects.”
After reading a few more articles or bits of information, we released the mental burden we were wondering if we should carry in terms of helicopter parenting Bobby. We weren’t.
For some reason, we only thought of Bobby. I guess it was the sports thing. And friends.
But what about for my other kids?
Catelyn has always been that child that left my side to never look back. For preschool, Sunday school, daycare – she would just walk away without even a wave at drop off.
Consequently, she has always handled all of her problems on her own. I have only recently reached out to support her.
But Declan…..
When Declan was younger, was I a helicopter parent?
Absolutely.
I had to be. Things were different for him. I had to keep him safe as he had no safety awareness. I had to keep others safe as Declan didn’t see them. IF I dared take Declan to someone else’s house, I had to be right on top of him to keep belongings unbroken. I could go on, you get my drift.
It was exhausting.
Now, he goes to school and we have an IEP. I am managing with the school how Declan will learn, with what aids, under what circumstances. What’s to be done when “xyz” happens.
Then Declan comes home and laments he has no friends. So, I reach out to his teacher and ask they help him find a family friend on the playground. A special person that Declan loves. (PS, it worked!)
I manage what sports Declan plays – I sign him up for High-5 soccer. He loves it, but I recommended it.
Am I still helicopter parenting?
After much thought, I came to the following conclusion.
I do not feel like I am helicopter parenting as much now. I am supporting Declan. I am helping put the right resources and supports around him to help him shine. And he is doing great.
Currently I am only doing for him what he is unable to do for himself. But as time wears on, my presence will decrease. His skills and abilities will continue to increase – I won’t need to handle these things for him. He will handle them.
Every child is different. As they age it is hard to figure out when to get involved and when to let your child make a learnable mistake (without stepping in beforehand).
For a child with special needs, it’s different. Helicopter parenting is part of the deal. I have done more for Declan than I did with my other two.
Because he has needed more.
After years of therapies and supports – I am sure it is hard for special needs parents to determine when to let go and where to hold on.
Because as time wears on, I will be hovering less and letting him soar!
(Updated)
I am really pleased for Declan that it’s worked. I just think you come across as great parents. If that is called a Helicopter or what, really doesn’t matter. Maybe Helicopter is a good term for me, I am petrified of Helicopters and parenting scares the hell out of me most days.
That is really nice, thank you! I think you are a great parent as well – you’re doing a great job, I promise!
I’m certain there are truly over-involved parents out there, but many (most?) of us are just trying to support our kids to the level of need. My two couldn’t be more different. Sometimes it seems as if my daughter is managing my wife and me. She is often the one who plans vacations and family outings, she puts us to bed at night as she continues with her homework, and she handles all of her problems on her own. My son needs much more support than most kids his age. I’m certain people will say we’re over-managing him, but he continues to make progress, just at his own pace. The term “Helicopter Parent” reminds me of the judgement we heard parents casting at one another when we lived in DC. I have no doubt you’re supporting each of your kids with just the right amount of help. You’re too aware to do otherwise.
We heard it used in a judgmental way as well, so immediately we started to analyze our parenting style. Each one of our children needs a different level of support too, and we work to find that balance of support and over-involved. Thanks Jeff!
Am I missing the rest of the post? I see up til “read about this here”
Especially when at the park I often ask myself if other parents consider me a “helicopter parent.” The truth is I am just ensuring my daughter is safe. Kailanie is 4 with a very rare syndrome, which has a significant impact on her mobility. Her joints are loose, her balance is off, and reflexes are slow. As a parent of a special needs child I do what I NEED to do to keep her safe and happy. ✌💜☺
I agree – we do what we need to in order to keep our kids safe. They need us in special ways 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
This was a wonderful post. As a parent to a newly diagnosed toddler it is easy to find myself hovering and I wonder if I am doing it in a healthy way or in a way that will stop my son from learning his own lessons or progressing at his own pace. I am happy that Declan has you in his corner <3
Thank you so much!
I just started blogging yesterday and am so amazed at how easy you make it look. Our daughter is 2.5 and recently was diagnosed as autistic. I still feel very unsure of what to expect and how things are going to go, but reading this gives me a positive outlook. 😁
So happy to connect with you! Good luck to you!!
Amazing post
I will fully admit I am a helicopter parent for 2 reasons. First, my middle son passed away in 2012 passed away suddenly at the babysitters so the shear thought of losing another child is debilitating. Second, my oldest son has epilepsy and his seizures are unpredictable so I feel the urge to always be there. I am trying to give him more space and privacy but it’s super difficult
I agree, my daughter is 11, has autism and is nonverbal, and needs supervision for lack of safety and impulse ect. I do allow her to do what she is able to, and that does include trial and error. My thought is the that world will not stop for her, so she needs to learn all she can to navigate the best she can. Everyday is a lesson and everyday we both learn something new. Good post!
Thank you!