Recently I ran across an article whose title drew me in right away.
A working mom wanted to know one thing:
“What do stay at home mom’s do all day?”
She made a point to clarify that she did not mean the moms that have toddlers or who work from home. She wanted to know what the moms did whose kids were at school all day. How did THOSE moms fill their time?
As you can imagine the question started a lot of discussion and of course, there was a lot of emotion.
Some listed all their chores and responsibilities. Some got a little sarcastic. Some admitted to a few of their guilty pleasures. A lot seemed to state one common idea.
“Whatever the heck I want to.” (I cleaned that response up a little).
When Bobby and Catelyn were younger, I was a full-time working mom. At the time, I had often wondered the same thing. What did SAHM’s do all day?
I imagined they were the president of the PTA. Always the class mom for sure. They arranged playdates. Special activities. They knew all the cool kid DIY projects on Pinterest.
All those things the working mom asked, “Who has time for that?”
When Bobby started having troubles with his daycare, I was being called daily to pick him up early and take him home. Until the ultimatum was reached – get him help or he is kicked out.
I got services involved. I got Bobby help. Declan was also on the way and putting 3 kids into daycare would all but eat my entire paycheck.
So, I decided to stay at home.
This was a hard decision to make! Me? I got my working papers when I was 14. From that day on, I worked. I worked through college, graduate school. I was schooling to become a professional. My jobs, my careers – it became how I defined myself. When I left my job, I lost a part of my identity.
In my mind, there was value in working. It was shown with every earned paycheck. Where was the visible value of being a SAHM?
At first, I enjoyed not having to wake up so early, to get kids dressed, diapers changed, teeth brushed and out the door at the crack of dawn.
But as time wore on, I realized one thing.
Transitioning to staying at home was hard.
There were no breaks. There was no conversation.
As time wore on, I realized MY kids needed extra care. Declan was diagnosed with autism. After years of struggle, Catelyn was also diagnosed.
Seven years later, my kids are in school full-time. And I can finally answer that woman’s question.
When I first read the question, I read it in the judgmental way. I also hear her say:
“Must be nice.”
I automatically felt the need to defend myself. To list all the things, I DO – and deny all the things she implies I do. Bon-bon’s and TV, right?
Instead, I reply:
“It is nice.”
I came home because my family needed me. In those seven years, I stayed home as the needs increased.
In those seven years I learned there is a value in being a SAHM. There is value in ME being HERE. Bobby’s behavior problems all but disappeared. I see value in my kid’s growth and development – they are shining stars! I see it in their grades. I see it when they apply something I taught them over a discussion at the after school dinner table. That’s better than any paycheck!
We don’t drive fancy cars. We don’t have all the latest home updates. Heck, my kitchen floor is still the linoleum the house came with when it was built over 30 years ago! But that is okay.
We value a happy healthy family as individuals and in dynamic. And based on my family’s needs, that involved me becoming a SAHM.
Truth is, we don’t know what it is like to walk in each other’s shoes. I fill my day making sure I am meeting the needs of my family. And I give other parents the benefit of the doubt they are doing the same for their families, whether they are working full-time, or not.
I love this. The reasons, the change, the family commitment, the sacrifices but most important the benefits. You say it so much more lucidly than I could. Sounds like your Linoleum was put down about the same time as ours. Can’t afford fancy stuff, holidays will now be a rarity and the car will get enough miles on the clock to be classed as a spacecraft. But it’s just not important in our lives. The only thing that matters is the kids and family. Well done.
It was a big change – and really helped me see what I really valued. Thank you so much!
For 8 years, Susan was a massage therapist working out of our home. That doesn’t really count as a SAHM, but the fact is, she was home… A LOT. In August, she took a full time job because she needed health care that didn’t cost us $1200 per month. The change in our household is dramatic. I was always a very involved partner/husband/father, but my level of involvement has probably doubled. Things are much less relaxed, and weekends include many more chores and errands. Fortunately Susan loves her job and doesn’t regret the decision. But I, for one know what SAHMs do. They make life sane for the rest of the family. I think our culture is really built on the assumption that someone is a SAH and when both partners work, it affects everyone in the household.
When I used to work I remember how crammed the weekends were. We still had the kids activities – but then we also needed to get to the store, chores, etc. I take a lot of that stress off the weekends now and keep all of our daily ducks in a row – just like your experience. I agree, it really does affect the whole family when both partners work.
good choice! i remember when my kids were little and I was sitting in a park with a friend watching our four little ones playing she said :” People are always asking me what my plans are and what do I do with my time. Next time someone asks I’m going to tell them about this day.” I have never forgotten that moment or that day. It was nice.
I get that question now too – now that the kids are all in school, what are my plans? Will I go back? I like what your friend said too. 🙂
Excellent post, Robyn! My thinking, right or wrong, is a stay at home mom may be the toughest job in the world. There aren’t all those accolades, internal rewards and social rewards that job brings, plus you said it so well to describe the comment “must be nice”. Matter of fact, it is nice, like running a triathlon every day nice! Keep up the good work, my friend. You are loving, teaching and training the next generation….that’s a huge responsibility and job description!
Thank you, Jeff! YOU are always so kind – I really appreciate all your kind words 🙂
I think the world makes too much of this working/stay home thing. I have done both and some combination of both, even been paid sometimes for the working because they thought the flexibility was pay enough. I have anguished over it, thought about where my life was going, et al. Now, working at a field completely different from what I trained years for, went abroad to study and work at…I have never been happier. It has made all the difference to whether one of my kids will stay in school and when he didn’t, I could homeschool.
Someone told me this several years ago: Everything you do ends up pointing towards what you really want to do at one point, every skill you have learned on the way will be the exact one you will need. You will be uniquely equipped at that time and it will be because of a sum total of life experiences.
Helped me chill and pick up whatever skill it was I was learning. 😀 Now, it is all about being at peace with myself – working for pay or working with my family.
That is a really nice thought – I agree. Just go with the flow! 🙂
My ex was a stay-at-home mom for almost fifteen years. One of the few things in my life that I DON’T regret…
Awesome!
This is so valid. There are many people who go to an office every day who contribute less than you do to your family. There will always be people who judge.
Thank you, Dee!
There will always be a SAHM debate, always be the desire to defend our position – no matter which side we stand on. Overtime, I’m getting less and less defensive about my decision to stay home versus utilize my college education to bring home a paycheck. I mean, parenting for 12 years and 4 kids later has to matter, right? It may not be obvious now, but later, maybe? I remind myself often that there is no true “right or wrong.” It is all a matter of individual situation and circumstance.
I agree – there is no true right or wrong and every situation is different. And I am hoping for the same – to raise happy healthy kids into happy healthy adults. Thanks for commenting!
I love this so much! I am also a SAHM and have had comments like the ones you’ve mentioned implying that SAHM’s are moochers and lazy. I am learning to validate myself because what I do is very important and oftentimes thankless. Thanks for your post, I look forward to reading more 🙂
That’s wonderful! Happy to connect 🙂 Thank you!
It is good to connect with you as well! Thank you ☺️
So I have been home for about 2 months now after working full-time and having a second job as a college professor (I still do that, but we’re talking 3 hours per week or less). I never realized how hard this is. My daughter has autism so being home with her all day has been beneficial and confusing for her. I feel like every day we are doing so much but it looks like we aren’t accomplishing much. I’m not sure how I worked and managed just the laundry let alone anything else. It is really a lot of work. It is work that society needs to value. Anyway, this was a wonderful read. <3 Thank you for sharing.
It really is a lot of work, and so under valued by society’s standards, And it can be so isolating, especially having a child with autism. So happy to connect with you! Thank you!
Great post. I lost my job in May. I have been struggling to find a new one and part of me is wondering if I could stay home with our kids. This really make me think about it more. Thank you.
http://www.markdownsandletdowns.com
Thank you!
I hear ya. I decided to stay home in August. Notice that I said I and not we… My husband said he was on board but it turns out he was just following my lead. With the unspoken problems and a few other issues to deal with he tried to file for divorce when I went to visit my dad with the kids. The journey ever since has been both rewarding but rigorous. I have been working full time for a few years now and also wanted to build my career. I am the type of person that sets my mind to something and does it! I passed a bar exam while on maternity leave and have done so much because of my ambitious drive.
But at home I feel like a failure. I’m constantly yelling and looking for things for my toddler to do so he’s not bored or jealous that I have to split my time with the baby. My husband left the house around the same time I had to stay home full time so it was a major adjustment and something I had to learn the hard way (maybe there is no other way?)
I think some working moms assume being in the office is harder but in my opinion it’s way easier. Sure at home you don’t have deadlines or meetings but at work no one is throwing things at you or begging for a popsicle until you mentally cave and do whatever you have to to survive the day.
I plan on writing about this in more detail one day but I’m not ready. This has been a huge transformation and without God I’m not sure where I would be right now.
Wow, yes – sounds like you are going through a lot of transitions. And staying home is oh so very trying for all the reasons you say – I agree. Thinking and praying for you during this time!
Amen! Same here, without Him, I’d be lost!
I love this! I’ve been a stay at home mom for 3 months now and I get the same statement “must be nice” or “what do you do all day” it’s a lot especially with a potty training toddler and 31 weeks pregnant.
Thank you! So frustrating. Good luck to you with the potty training and new baby on the way! Awesome!
I was a single mother for 5 years working multiple jobs and going to college classes two nights a week. Barely ever did I get to have any personal time with my daughter, however I had to pay the bills. Then I met my current boyfriend who I moved in with, had another child and have chosen to be a stay at home mom until my youngest starts school. During this time I can still participate in college courses part time at home and spend more time with my children. Yes, running around trying to keep the house clean while chasing kids and dogs all day doesn’t sound like much, but in some ways its more hectic than an actual job. Keeping everything up to par can be tiring as well as the fact that you no longer have that day to day social interactions. Your conversations you have went from adults to talking to your children and animals. Stress can defiantly build up, but know matter the situation, being a stay at home mom is a full time job and one that I have come to love at this time in my life.
That’s wonderful! Me too 🙂
As a working mom of five, I can answer that question of what do SAHM’s do? They take care of the things that need to be taken care of for their family. I would love to spend my days devoting time to my home and my family instead of coming home and trying to muster one more ounce of energy to keep moving until bed time. It doesn’t matter that my kids are in school. I actually believe that kids need their parents more as they get older and have more complex situations to handle socially.
I can relate to both sides. I was a stay at home mom for 7 years before going to work full time. I made it one year and was ready to be home again for my family. I love my job but cut back to barely part time. Mom’s jobs are so important whether you’re working or not! And no one should make another person feel bad for their choices they make for their own family. We carry enough guilt ourselves to have someone else add to it! Loved your article!
You are so right – I agree. Mom’s jobs are so important whether you are working or not! Thank you so much!
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I love this response! I admire you for being real. I too found myself as a stay at home mom, not only because the cost of 3 kids in day care, but because my son requires additional help working through struggles with anxiety and depression. I also have seen a dramatic change in behavior by him after I left work to be a stay at home mom. I would take the decrease in pay every month time after time to watch my kids overcome the way he has. No one should ever make someone feel guilty or badly because they CHOSE to put their kids and their family first. I admire your response. I have found myself defending myself and my decisions to some of my family and closest friend. Look just because we don’t have the same outlook doesn’t mean either is wrong but we as women should take 5 minutes to understand rather than bash or putdown.
Yes! I agree completely – we are all in different situations and are doing what we feel best for our families. Thank you so much!
I just opened my own business and my son comes with me everyday. I loved reading this and it made me feel like someone gets it. Thank you!
That’s great! Thank you!
As a current SAHM to two boys this totally resonates with me! I definitely feel judged at times for our choice for me to stay at home with the kids. But it’s definitely what’s best for our family.
Awesome! Glad to connect with you!
Perfectly answered. Somedays I would love to be home so I can take care of my kids better, and on days that I am off.. I wish I was at work. It’s difficult to find a balance. The only thing that never changes is the love you have for your children and the want to be with them.
I agree with you – thank you!
I was happy to read the line where you said that deciding to stay home was such a difficult decision. I attempted a career change so that I could have more time at home, and even though I was great at my job, I didn’t feel it was worth it. It just wasn’t working out for me personally. It was a job in a public school. I worked 8 hours a day, 12 months. I wasn’t off with my kids like most of the other school staff. I was there some evenings and weekends. I resigned and one of the teachers at the school said she was jealous of me. I told her I was jealous of her. She was still doing the job she always wanted to do, the one she went to school for. Yes she worked hard, even at home, but at least her kids didn’t have to wake up super-early on days when they were off because mom had to work and they had to go to a baby sitter. I miss working terribly, I hope to go back some day. I started blogging to share these experiences with others. http://www.confusedexecutivemom.com.
Thank you! Yes, I agree – it was a very hard decision for me to make and even harder transition. I was in the same boat – I did well at my job and my boss liked me. When I told him that I was planning to stay at home as it was where my family needed me most, he said he was willing to hold my job for a whole year in case I wanted it back. And I wanted it! The pay was great and it really made me feel good about myself. But, my family needed me. So I went to them. Same! I hope to go back some day as well – to what? Who knows. I feel anxious knowing I have been out of the work force for so long. Great! I will check yours out!
What a very lovely read this is. I applaud your efforts Mrs. Mamma, your little tribe has likely LOVED all of the you time they have gotten and as a fellow stay at home momma, I agree, the transition from work to not work… is not in any way fun. I haven’t worked in 4 years and I never thought I would be the mom who was nervous about the first full day of school happening. The kiddo will have a blast, but… what the heck will I do? Now the idea of work seems trivial compared to the career I have had at home since he was born. I hope you have a great weekend and I am glad for having stumbled upon this article, I don’t get out much with gals anymore LOL I feel a bit less alone in the big old world this morn. Cheers!
Thank you so much! It is such a transition – definitely not easy. Glad to find another mom out there lime me!
I struggle with working full time knowing I want to be home for my boys.
I praise the mommas who stay home to care for their baby’s! It’s the hardest most rewarding job around.
I definitely think that is a challenge and totally support working moms. I did it and I can attest – it’s hard! I just like the idea that we all support each other in whatever path we are on to do what is best for our situations. That makes me feel good 🙂
This spoke volumes! I made the transition from working in a ‘fancy’ legal office as a very much hands on, legal assistant, working weekends at some points, until my daughter was born – going on 11 years ago now. I had no one to watch her and not wanting daycare, I stoped my job to focus on my daughter full time. As you said, the transition wasn’t easy but today I can say it was the best decision I could/did make.
Leaving work to stay home is such a big transition – I am so glad you can relate. And I agree, it was probably the best decision I could/did make too!
Yes, I’m so glad Robyn you are content with your decision also. 🙂
I’ve rebloged your post …
https://momlifewithchiari.com/2019/04/10/reblog-wednesday-in-defense-of-stay-at-home-moms-autism-in-our-nest/
Loved it, such a great conversation to have, as SAH parents don’t get enough recognition as they should.
-Ana
Ok, great! Thanks!
Great post! Thank you Robyn.
Robyn 🙂 I am a SAHM to 2 and loving it. There s no time for boredom in my house. To top it up my husband works from home. We do have boundaries though. I am a SAHM by choice, we live in the country whereas I am a city girl. Nonetheless, bringing up 2 kids is the best job I have taken by far! So here I am blogging mostly because I love writing but I also am finding myself the need to research the employability of SAHP. I would love it if you can help me get my CV up to date! I am looking to highlight my position as a SAHM and detail the tasks that I am completing. I have made a few changes, it s on my latest post but I would love it if you can have a look and give me your input? Thanks a mil x
Sure! I will check it out in a bit!
I had to stop working for health reasons (before I became a stay at home mom) and
neighbors actually asked me to drive them around because obviously I had nothing better to do 😁 After my daughter was born that stopped. Not working for any reason is really different and difficult. It’s hard on your self esteem and social life. It can be worth it though.
I agree – it is hard on your self esteem and social life. I am prone to depressive feelings at times and have a hard time socializing – BOTH of these issues just get worse with all the solitude. But there are definitely good reasons for me being here and I always try to focus on those.
Thank you so much for posting about this. I have been a SAHM for many years, and there are definitely other challenges that many people do not think about and definitely have felt judged. I think it is definitely undervalued in our society for whatever reason. I am introverted, which does not help things, but I know there have been times where I have felt so isolated and have felt “less than” moms who work outside the home. I can relate to both sides as I served in the military when my daughter was born, and I definitely admire working moms who can balance well. Working outside the home and having children comes with its challenges and guilt as well. There are definitely challenges on both sides of the fence. Either choice, I think women should really support one another.
I agree – I definitely think there are challenges on both sides. I have felt inadequate as a SAHM and as a working mom. But in the end, we should all just support one another, you’re right!