“Catelyn, that’s IT! You’ve crossed the line! Go to your bedroom for a break NOW!”
Catelyn was hunched over, arms out to the side palms up. Her face was contorted in angry, wonder with mouth wide open.
“WHAT!?!?”
“I said, go to your room. NOW.”
“What did I do?!?!?!”
“I asked you if you had your shirt. That’s it! Then you called me a jerk, told me I was the most annoying person on the planet and THEN you told me to shut up. I’d say that was three strikes. You’re out. Go take a break.”
Angry wonder turned to angry tears and Catelyn stomped off to her room.
After some deep breaths and therapeutic cleaning, I happened past the stairs. At the bottom lay a piece of paper. I bent over to investigate.
![DSC_0019[2].JPG](https://i0.wp.com/www.autismfamilypower.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/DSC_00192.jpg?resize=640%2C236&ssl=1)
A note. An apology. “Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t realize I was mean until you said it aloud. Catelyn.”
I get lots of notes from Catelyn. Admitting out loud she was wrong is not something she is capable of (yet).
Catelyn has a tone. She knows it, I know it. I even wrote about her tone in this post here: The Tone.
Catelyn can come off as rude, standoffish – even mean. To peers and adults alike. Every person in the world holds the same ground in Catelyn’s eyes.
She knows it. I know it. Others pick up on it.
This past weekend Catelyn played another soccer game.
Catelyn’s coach is great. Not only does he deal with fifteen twelve-year-old girls with ease, kindness and respect, he is focused on teaching them the game of soccer. Proper technique, ball movement, positioning.
Catelyn moved from left wing to striker to left wing. In each position the coach coached her and other players with the ball where the ball should be moved to next.
With each bit of coaching I saw the look she sailed to the coach across the field. And after a bit, Catelyn was subbed. And sat out the final 25 minutes of the game.
She got benched.
Catelyn’s coach is big on benching. Two weeks ago, Catelyn got benched for the first ten minutes of the game. Why? He told her openly and honestly, she fooled around too much at practice one day.
I respect his decision. So did she. She stopped fooling around at practice.
When the game was over, the coach met with the team and dismissed them. All but Cate. I saw him speak with her. I saw him then point to the field and make gestures regarding ball passing. He pat her on the back and she walked to me.
“Coach told me to pass the ball to Ava in the game, but I felt there were two players there, so I told him I decided to go around. Then he benched me.”
“How did you say it to him?”
Catelyn shrugged.
“Did you have the tone?”
She shrugged again.
I nodded. We left the fields and headed home.
Catelyn can have a tone and be disrespectful – to peers and adults alike.
But even though Catelyn has High Functioning Autism it is NOT okay for her to be disrespectful or rude.
I have often felt that Catelyn is going to learn a lot “the hard way.” In real life. The messages parents teach their kids about being polite and using their manners is somewhat lost on Catelyn. The second I point out a missed opportunity in respect, Catelyn becomes defensive and reactive.
She doesn’t always hear herself. I do – I just am unable to talk with her about it.
I have often heard the term, “it takes a village” meaning it takes a whole community to help a child learn and grow.
There are some messages I am going to be able to instill in Catelyn. There are some messages others are going to have to teach her. She will hear it from them in a way she cannot hear it from me.
I can only hope that a series of benching is going to illicit awareness and respect from Catelyn. If not to all adults, at least to one soccer coach who was willing to respectfully teach the lesson.
Whoa, I could have written this entire blog post, today. Except the part about getting notes. That doesn’t happen. But my son does hear and will make a small adjustment for a while or possibly permanently and things get a little easier. I’m still working through the concept of what he can ‘get away’ with. Is it too much to ask for a sugar sweet kid after a long day of holding it together at school? Tonight it is.
We seem to get the reverse – the note but no changed behavior. I totally get the trying to figure out what can she ‘get away’ with. Sometimes I find myself understanding some of her behavior with HFA, but sometimes it doesn’t excuse it. For example, Declan gets upset when he is misunderstood and becomes aggressive, but hitting is never okay autism or not. I have been trying to figure out the boundaries for Catelyn as well.
Older daughter cant handle criticism from me. Ever. She does okay with accepting it from other people but with me its, Boom! Defensive, then Boom! Offensive. I’ve learned to angle into it, come at her sideways.
Younger daughter has a tone and I’m constantly asking her if she meant to sound so rude.
My daughters are adult women, not autistic teens and it’s still tough. I hope for both of you that more people like Coach help.
💌
Thank you! My big concern is she is going to say something the wrong way to the wrong person. Like a police officer or a future boss. There’s little excuse in those areas. I’m really hopeful more people like the coach find ways to help her in real life.
I think many of us, myself included, can probably come off with that tone from time to time, though we typically have more awareness of it (followed by instant regret). That she wrote the letter is a good thing, showing she acknowledges her impact on others around her, and she feels bad for it. I do thing the more gentle influences and nudges in the right direction a child can get as they’re growing up the better when it’s needed, and some of it’s that kid stage of hormone frustration, anxiety and rebellion (I didn’t have the rebellion stage but I definitely had plenty of frustration and anxiety!) She’ll get there. If not, maybe you could record an outburst and play it back to her so she can recognise and hear for herself how she comes across. Can you tell I’m not a parent? 😉
Caz xx
You know, we have said this to her before – the idea of taping her so she can have an idea of what she sounds like and looks like when she talks to us. Because I think she really doesn’t see what she is doing. Not a bad idea, at all. We really should try that! 🙂 xx
My kids are polite most of the time; however, my youngest, if his beliefs are challenged, will launch into an angry screed with more swear words than I even knew existed (He’s an adult). He goes from zero to ten in five seconds. But, there’s no hard feelings and I have a pretty good laugh over it.
Always good to laugh – I should try it more. I just need to have one of your posts nearby when she’s in a mood to help guide me 🙂
Fascinating post, Robyn. I thought that note to you from Catelyn was so sweet. It shows that she can feel remorse even if it’s after an event you’d rather hadn’t happened. I’d say that’s a very promising sign. Nathan is fairly good most of the time, and he hasn’t got the conversational skills to develop a tone yet, but his stress manifests as yelling and inflexibility, or fixating on something. All challenges that we need to face, I guess, but it seems to me as though you’re handling it very well. And yes, it does take a village, and the input of people outside the family. 🙂
Thanks, Alli! The note does show some awareness, you’re right. It is nice of her to apologize in the way she can. But there is little change in her behavior and I don’t know if anyone is spared from it. I’d like to see something change before she is faced with an authority figure as an adult. Plenty of time I guess and thankful for our village to help her out 🙂
This is true, and yes, you do have time on your side. I wish you and Catelyn all the best going forward. 🙂
Son gets so worked up some days playing his FIFA19 game. He wouldn’t believe it when I told him and that I wanted him to calm a little when he’s on the Xbox. So I taped him once. Even then he thought I had doctored the tape. It sounds like your doing a wonderful job and that footy coach sounds brilliant.
I really should tape her. She doesn’t hear herself – when I said out loud what she had just said to me over an innocuous question – she was surprised. Taping could be very helpful. Thank you! I am hoping the experience with the soccer coach is a lesson she learns something from. He’s really great.
With your good parenting, this too shall pass! Kudos, Robyn!
Thank you so much, Jeff!
Wow; this is my son. He also has impulsive physical reactions. He says whatever comes out and does whatever occurs to him -and seems to literally not know he does it. Like you said about Catelyn, my son then gets defensive and hurt about specific corrections on my part.
Oh my gosh, yes. She gets so defensive – but then she starts to play the “blame” game. It’s tough trying to help her through this!
I walk a balanced path between teaching him that he can’t talk or react that way, and trying to show that I’m “on his side.”