When I was four years old, my family moved to the Midwest.
In Kindergarten I went to the local public school.
First through fourth grade, I went to a Catholic private school.
In fifth grade, my family prepared to move again. I started fifth grade back at the public school and when we moved, I went to the new fifth grade associated with our new house.
In sixth grade, our area was redistricted, so I went to a new school district. I had to start over again.
I stayed in that school for seventh grade. And we moved again in eighth grade, where I started another new school.
I really got good at starting a new school. I knew exactly how to be a fly on the wall to read the already formed social circles. How to blend in. How to cover my “accent” (“You talk funny! Say_____ again!”) when we left the Midwest.
By 6th grade I was aware of the MOST important part of starting a new school.
Making sure I wasn’t sitting alone come lunch time.
I mean, nothing stands out more in a crowded lunchroom than a person sitting by themselves, right? And that is NOT blending in.
I had had fears every time I started a new school. Sitting alone at lunch time was always at the top of my list. I always had this fear I would end up having to eat my packed lunch in a bathroom stall if I could not locate an inviting person when the time came.
Somehow, I survived. And never ate alone when I felt like that mattered.
So, I was especially sad the other day to hear a teacher’s aide tell me:
“I was walking past the lunchroom the other day and saw Declan sitting alone eating his lunch. So, I went in and sat with him. I got another student to come over and sit with us and talk. It worked well. I am hoping they sit together now on a regular basis.”
I thanked her for her intervention. And have tried to ask Declan who he has sat with since at lunch time.
His answer?
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Any further line of questioning leads to:
“I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!”
I rarely get any information from Declan about his day. Once he leaves school, school stays there.
The same goes for home – he wants his school and home worlds to be separate. And he does not like when I intervene.
And so, my mind vacillates. What to do….
Maybe…. Maybe he is fine. Maybe this is his choice. I certainly don’t want to transfer my feelings on eating alone during my formative years onto Declan and his situation. Maybe the other kids are too loud? Maybe their food smells? Maybe he is bored with their topics of conversation?
Or maybe he does want to sit with someone, and he just doesn’t know what to say?
Maybe. I don’t know.
I know there are things I could do – discreetly. I could ask someone to check on him. I could ask an adult step in and continue to demonstrate how we ask a friend to sit with us, like the aide did. Maybe there is a lunch bunch for his grade he could join?
Maybe.
In the meantime, I sit and wonder if lunch is a problem or not. If I should react, or not. And wonder the benefits and drawbacks of the days he lunches alone and how they may apply to his big picture in years to come.
When I was a child I was painfully shy and pretty much always sat on my own, during my teenage years I had a few friends, yet was perfectly okay with my own company. As an adult sometimes I sit around and make small talk, but on most occasions I am perfetly fine sitting alone.
I don’t think what I say will ease your concerns as a mother, but my job involves working with many teenagers with autism and while some of them choose to dine alone at lunch I think it is a preffered choice and that isn’tt always a bad thing. Great post.
Thank you so much for your feedback! Good to know. Thank you!
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I see my seven year old son more isolated and alone during the lunch recess. Not sure whether I should do something about it or let it be …
I’m with you – not sure what to do either. As much as I would like to see him connect with a peer, I wonder if he wants to? So hard.
I personally don’t to have people around me when I am eating. Noise distracts me and I end up accidentally injuring myself! (you know biting down on my own tongue or something) Maybe Declan is secretly the same?
Could be! You’re right!
A lot of this is familiar to me. Especially keeping school intel at school. Really we need to luck into an in depth conversation. I can ask a dozen times and get the same stonewalling, and then suddenly it all comes out. Unfortunately, this is often after midnight.
Yes, similar. If I get information it will either be from someone else or something Declan randomly offers up – but not in response to my questioning.
It is so difficult when you don’t get any feedback from Declan. Our son keeps school to himself unless something really bad happened. I’ve asked about lunch. The only feedback is that he hates having to queue and only has a flapjack and sandwich as he wants it over with quickly. At his last school I thought about volunteering over lunch to keep an eye on him but in the end his teacher did that for me. I know if we are out for lunch he wants to sit as far away from others as possible. I think asking school to see what happens over a few days might be a start.
That’s true! I didn’t think about that – when we go out Declan also gets upset if the table is in the middle of a place – he prefers the corners. Good point! Yes – probably a good place to start.
Having moved every two and a half years until I was an adult, I’ve spent a lot of time sitting alone. The funny thing is, I don’t have an accent… if I do, no one can tell me what it is. My sister, on the other hand, coped by adopting the accent of wherever we ended up.
Maybe lunch for Declan is his time to get AWAY from the stimulus of other kids buzzing around him.
Yes, good point – he very well may be sitting alone to get away from the stimulus. There are so many kids in there – may be too much for him.
Maybe he enjoys a little down time on his own . I’m sure he would make it known if he was unhappy through his actions. I agree school and home should be kept separate 😉
Yes, you are right. He does cry about having to go to school – he will list about four things that get him upset. He doesn’t say anything about the lunchroom though. He probably does like some down time – can get pretty noisy in there!
Aww 🥰 school is not easy, I never like it 😬
I worried a lot about my girls when they were in school. Middle School is especially rough. But those were *my* worries. Declan has a whole different playbook to bring to the game. Sensory issues could very well keep him away from the noise, smell, mannerisms, etc of others.
From everything you’ve written about his school and their staff, I think they’ve got this.💌💌
Yes, I should trust the people at his school – they really have been so helpful with Declan so far – good point!
Isobelle rarely eats lunch, so she takes a packed one. She doesn’t eat in the cafeteria, as it’s too noisy even with ear defenders on.
Oh good! I am glad she doesn’t have to eat in the cafeteria as it is too noisy. That is great!
Yes it is, but she forgets to eat sometimes, which is a worry.
Wow, you moved a lot!
Thanks for sharing this…I wish we were able to see in those big minds they have.
Me too! I would love to see in their minds 🙂
This is a tricky one. To intervene or not to intervene. i really do not have anything useful to suggest as my kids were always social bees and so this is not something I have any experience with. Please keep us updated as I will like to hear how this plays out.
Thank you, Anne! Will do!
That’s a tough one – and I don’t know Declan, so I wouldn’t try to give you advice.
Reading your post reminded me of when my Mum found a box of old school papers. Apparently I’d written on some self-evaluation report thing “I will make more of an effort to socialise at lunchtime”. I don’t remember writing it, but I know I had 0 intention of doing it. It was just that I’d figured out that’s what I needed to say to get people off my case about lunch time. I hated that lunch hall. I hadn’t yet learned the art of pretending to be engaged in small-talk that was boring me, or saving the things that nobody at the table cared about for someone who genuinely would find them interesting. Being on my own didn’t bother me at all. Being pushed into situations I didn’t want to be in, did.
It was nice what the aid did though – it sounded spontaneous and not something that drew attention to Declan being on his own. Maybe someone at school could casually ask if he wants to be on his own or would like to find some people to sit with?
Do you know what happens at break times other than lunch time? I mean, is it specific to lunch, or more about when there’s unstructured time and the children have to find something to do?
I can relate to your story – there have been many times I have been happy alone and was more upset if someone tried to push me into a situation. Which is totally why I hesitate right now to do anything. Declan may enjoy his alone time. And I do not even know if it is happening every day since he doesn’t tell me. Or if he says a person’s name, is he just telling me that so I will leave the situation alone? He also struggles on the playground. Sometimes if his teacher is the one monitoring the playground at recess, and if she sees him alone, she will also try to engage him with other students she knows the he gets along with.
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Thank you 🙂
Breaks my heart, for both of you.
It’s okay – I am hopeful all is for the best and we will figure this out 🙂