โMOM!โ Goggle eyed Declan yelled from the pool. โITโS NOT WORKING!โ
I refrained from putting my head in my hands and waved for him to come over to me. As he waded through the shallow end to the ladder, I thought about what to say.
Declan had wanted to engage with his peers in the pool but was having difficulty. I had the bright idea of giving him a quarter to dive for and encouraged him to ask the other swimmers in the three-foot end if they wanted to join him. I noticed something was off when I saw Declan get in the water and throw his quarter at a group playing together. After the quarter bounced off a girl, the group moved. Declan retrieved his quarter and threw it at them again. And again. And again.
Realizing THIS group was not interested in the quarter game, Declan targeted another couple of boys and began to throw his quarter at them. And again. And again. Until he hit his exasperation point.
โThe quarter game is not working,โ a dripping, breathless Declan informed me when he reached my bench. โNo one wants to be my friend.โ
โThis time, why donโt you try asking them to play instead of throwing a quarter at them. Just say, โHi! Do you want to dive for quarters with me? Itโs fun!โ and see what happens.
Declan took his quarter back to the poolside and yelled, โOkay!โ as he jumped in the water.
Declanโs isolative bubble had been popped as he was jumping into the pool. An older teenager noticed Declan and told Declan his jumps were โlegendary.โ Declan stared at the boy. Then he jumped in the pool, came to the surface, and stared at him again, waiting for adulation. When the boy went into the deep end, Declan tried to follow. When the boy went to the dives, Declan followed again until I could retrieve Declan and bring him back to the bench.
โYou canโt follow that boy everywhere he goes. That is like stalking, which is not good. When he compliments you, you say, โthanks!โ or, โI think your jumps are legendary too!โ
โI think he wants to be my friend,โ Declan replied.
โBeing friendly MAY mean he wants to be friends. But it is best just to be friendly back.โ
When Declan returned to jumping in the pool, he noticed two boys jumping in as well. One was evaluating the other.
โThat was a 7. I give the jump a 7 on a scale of 10!โ
โOh yeah,โ the other retorted, โyour jump was a 4! Better luck next time!โ
Declan took his newfound banter to a group of strange girls.
โThat jump was a 3!โ
โThat jump was a 5!โ
Declan received some appalling looks until I could collect him back to the bench to explain how THAT game is played with people we know.
โWell, how do I make a friend here?ย I want to play with a friend too!โ
I looked around the pool. Here is the thing about Declan. The kids his age do not usually โgetโ Declan. There are very few that give some understanding or leniency his way. Kids Declanโs age that do not know him are not always the kindest.
The age groups that do best with Declan are the teenagers or the littles. In this situation, I sent Declan to the littles with a quarter and game to try and play together.
To his credit, Declan tried. But he received shakes of the head to his question and was left alone.
I do not know if he covers this with his social skills teacher but sometimes attempts to socialize are met with rejection. It stinks, but it happens. Declan left the pool disappointed without a friend. It happens.
Declan turned his focus to the diving board.ย Having watched the little kids successfully go off, he felt he deserved a try.ย So, when Bob and I could both be there on the ready, and he proved he could swim a certain distance, we decided to let him try.ย Now we canโt get him off the boards.
And after watching all the tricks by the big kids, he wanted to jump as they didโgiant graceful steps until one final, gigantic bounce and a leap into the air.
He is not exactly there yet, and I am not exactly calm.ย Socialization and jumps off the diving board are both a work in progress.ย But this is turning out to be a memorable summer, for sure.
Oh Robyn, my heart is heavy for Declan. I can just sense his yearning and exasperation. You shared the story so vividly. Youโre a good mom to let him try to figure social circles out while giving him guiding coaching on the side. Friendship really is a challenge I dread for my T as well but I know it is a rite of passage. I believe every one has that special friend out there thatโs waiting to be found. D will find his tribe. And congrats to him on his legendary jump!
It is so tough right now because, as he is older, I am trying to give him his space to learn the social cues without me stepping in and correcting him or the situation as I did when he was younger. I am definitely trying to do it more privately, and thankfully (most of the time), Declan will come to me or talk with me without getting upset. I am hopeful as Declan ages he will find that special friend that helps him through those times I can’t be there watching or coaching – you’re right – that person is out there! ๐
Oh wow, and swimming in clothes, too! That’s not easy lol.
Oh, all these little rules that we don’t always think about! It must be challenging to have to teach each one specifically. But it sounds like you are doing a great job. โค๏ธ
Thank you!
His courage at approaching strangers is legendary. I could never go up to a random kid and ask if they want to play.
I was the girl that swam around you with the same toy or interest until you finally noticed me or didn’t. Declan has been through so much social skills training that I think he is way more prepared than I ever was, yet a little more shocked when things don’t work out as scripted. I am concerned that the rejections will stick and he will stop trying. But for now I am, honestly, biting my nails at some of his attempts and hoping for him to have success.
I sense that Declan’s skill and ability to reach out to others won’t be appreciated until he’s past the teen years. I hope his desire to willingness to connect with others isn’t dampened by the less than optimal reaction of other kids his age. What great parenting, letting him try his wings (and the diving board), even if he doesn’t always fly with grace. Someday he will.
Thank you! I hope he retains his confidence in trying to interact with others and going off the diving board ๐ You’re right – I think both will just take some time.
Last time some kids asked Ben if he wanted to play at the park he just gave them a confused look.๐คท๐ผโโ๏ธ I worry, especially now that school has been closed so long that he’s lonely. No siblings, no friends… just me. Not a lot I can do about it. I’m terrified to take him out on my own.
Declan looked like he was riding a horse down the diving board to the legendary jump๐
He’s really come a long way just since I’ve know you. He’ll keep getting better at learning the social “rules” and he WILL find a friend or three that “get” him. Your heart and nerves will be tested๐๐ค๐ฅฐ
I thought Declan was doing okay being in his or our little world until that day at the pool. Later that day he wanted to know how he was going to make friends if in third grade if the school was still closed? I shrugged. I am sensing now that he wants to connect or play with others, which is great, as long as he doesn’t talk Mario the whole time ๐
Those jumps made me smile ๐ I have a cannonball on tape and hands out in front “dive” on tape too. So cute!
Declan really has come so far. I am utterly amazed at how much change has happened in just a couple of years. You are right – who knows what the next years will bring! ๐
His “dive” made me smile! I watched it twice!!
Oh good! It made me smile too ๐
I’m in my fifties and I STILL don’t know how to make friends.
Somehow it never got any easier for me either. I like the people I have met here on WP. I guess that means I COULD make a friend in real life if I could just type my interactions with them. Although, I hate texting so that must not be true either…
Yeah… I feel the same way. I’m pretty suave when I’m writing, but actually being with people I feel like I’m hanging out with an alternate species…
Ditto!
Gosh, Robyn, this is turning out to be a tricky year in so many ways, and its so much worse for kids with autism. I know how confusing it’s been for Nathan, so I can understand that it must be for Declan too. I reckon it’s going to take a while for our kids to get over it all, as they’ve got enough socialising challenges as it is without the effect all the distancing has had on them. Keep up the legendary diving board jumps though, Declan. Cool!
Thank you!
Itโs so tough. As they get older the world opens up regardless of if they are ready or not. Just need to go with ride. Half of the secret is for the parent to try to find the right balance as well. Itโs tough. So tough.
That is definitely what I am doing right now. I am just going for the ride and trying to make it a little less bumpy for Declan if I can. It is definitely a tough one!