One morning, when I was in first grade, I was dropped at school early. I went to my classroom, and like the few other students in the room, took my desk. At the front of the room my teacher was talking to a parent.
As the conversation wore on, I could see both the parent and the teacher getting upset until the parent snapped and slapped my teacher in the face.
Completely shocked by the slap, my teacher stomped out of the room holding her face, with the parent right behind her, headed to the principal’s office.
I have always wondered what led the parent to slap my teacher in our Catholic school. I mean, there were crosses hanging everywhere – Jesus REALLY saw that.
What had got her so upset?
This week, I have come the closest I have ever come to understanding the depth of that parent’s frustration.
This week, I have pounded out 30 miles of running having heated mental conversations with my offender. I have slammed twenty-pound medicine balls repeatedly into the ground turning my arms to mush, but still mentally ticked. I have had shower and mirror conversations with a lot of head snapping and pointer finger wagging.
Of course, these conversations don’t resolve anything. I am just talking to myself.
And let’s be clear – I am not about to hit anyone. Maybe that was that parent’s “go to” move – the slap. That’s not me.
So, what happened?
A lot.
But I will boil the mountain down to this.
Catelyn is not seen as child that needs to be supported at school. She is currently seen as a child with behavior problems that needs to be isolated and disciplined.
In my effort to address the issue, I point out that I am aware that Catelyn has a loud personality. She easily gets overstimulated and is impulsive. She can be overwhelming. But she still deserves friends and needs to be supported.
In a highlighted response, I am told she is acting out, lying and being disrespectful.
All I hear is “I am not supportive of your child.”
Catelyn does not have an IEP or a 504. The school is aware she is diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (HFA). But technically, they do not need to do anything for her.
Do they even believe she has HFA? Isn’t it easier to consider her a rude child with bad behavior?
A little while ago I met with a woman whose child had recently been diagnosed with autism. As we talked, she spoke of concerns about education. She wanted her child to be placed in a general education preschool classroom because she wanted her child challenged and not overlooked.
I think she was surprised when I told her the opposite was true. That from my experience, when you have a challenging child, they are the ones put in the corner and overlooked in a general education classroom. The teacher is just trying to “get through the year” with those children and they rarely benefit.
Kids like Catelyn. That are not seen as children that are challenged, but as children that are challenging. A behavior issue that needs to be addressed and not supported.
So frustrating.
Recently, Katie over at Special Needs Essentials wrote the piece, A Drive, An Ambulance and Some Thoughts. I was really taken by this piece.
As she was out driving, she saw an ambulance and noticed how all the cars on the road worked as a team to get out of the ambulance’s way so they could respond to a person in need. She likened this teamwork to the people who work with our kids with special needs. That as we work together as a TEAM, as parent and school, our children find benefit and don’t when there is opposition.
Declan, who has an IEP, has been given a different perspective from the start. We have worked as a team and have watched him grow so much from the support he receives.
And I would really like to see the same for Catelyn.
Everyone wins when the child gets the support they need! Should be a no-brainer, but schools prefer punishment for some sick (money) reason. Everything revolves around the all mighty dollar!
I agree – everyone wins when they get the support they need! And your right, maybe it is a money thing. I wish then she would get some understanding – that’s free. I’m just going to keep hoping for things to get better for her 🙂
We’re in the same boat. Our son is entering high school next year and given his inconsistency this year we’re suddenly thinking an iep or 504 may be necessary. It’s such a painful process.
Some teachers seem to instinctually understand each child’s special needs. Others seem to be rigidly following a rule book written in the fifties.
It is such a painful process. I am concerned as Cate is leaving her elementary school next year and is going into bigger waters without an IEP or 504. If I could get her on one I would. I am hoping that she gets some teachers that see the need not the problem. Good luck to you guys! Hope it all works out.
Catelyn deserves assistance. You’re obviously an involved parent actively engaged with your child. You’re not raising a discipline problem….she has unique needs. They should be able to see that. Our current system makes things so hard on everyone. There has to be a better solution.
I agree – the system is set for the kids on the fringe of support. There has to be a better solution.
My heart goes out to you Robyn. Different country but clearly the same failings. Every child should have the chance to shine. That needs teamwork. It seems some kids are excluded from this. It’s just not right. Again it’s left to you to fight the system. Catelyn has a special set of requirements which should be addressed in a clear plan. No wonder you pound the miles out. I am amazed you keep your good grace. Your a great role model for me.
Yes, I was thinking about you and how your school system is not set right to meet your son’s needs either. It can be so frustrating when a different perspective, or want to see a child succeed (and maybe even excel) would help so much. Make such a difference!
It’s such an awful feeling when you have to consider anything other than “mainstream” may be necessary for your childs best growth. But the fact is that when there is no support route to help them get/stay there, I agree, they need to be where they are recognized as needing focused nurturing and care which unfortunately doesn’t happen as often as it needs to during “mainstreaming” our kids. And I do believe, then, they all end up suffering on both sides of the coin and ill equipped (for a host of reasons) teachers end up burning out and everything gets worse. These poor kids end up getting lost in the shuffle and labeled instead of bolstered up by mentors. Kids this age are at school for love and understanding first, academics second.
I agree completely. There is clearly and edge when I have to talk with the school about Catelyn – on both sides. I’m frustrated with lack of understanding (let alone support) and they are frustrated with Catelyn. And the focus is lost – it is not about her being and nurturing her to maintain a level of confidence and esteem, but to just go with the flow to get the next lesson done. So frustrating!
I wonder where the divide is coming from in understanding her needs. But you’re right, once that focus is shifted (labeled) there is no reeling back in easily. The saddest thing is it takes such a small amount of ‘extra’ reassurance and guidance to get at how to best serve each child and, in turn, serve all. Kids act out when they are FRUSTRATED and/or scared and feel lack of trust in and care from their leaders. So there is obviously a ball dropped by them if they can not get to the root. And, it sounds like, dont want to take the time to 😠😠😠😠
Catelyn is a little bit different in that she gets so easily overstimulated that she becomes overwhelming. She gets impulsive, touchy and “in your face.” Every person is the same – no matter their age. So whatever is said to her – be it a peer or a teacher – she takes it with the same amount of weight and she will respond to a teacher the same way she does a peer. She can be very disrespectful, but if you understand that she sees all humans the same then…. I don’t know. It’s still hard. Declan does too – he has a special sack of fidget toys given to him by the school to play with during school work. He is allowed to go for a walk or to go to the life skills room to jump on a trampoline if he needs to. He is able to “work his crazy out” in a sense. She isn’t seen the same way, so she is not allowed to do those things that would help her so much! But yet, as you say, they don’t want to see how these things will help her or want to figure them out. The easier way to get through each day, is to ignore the problem and get through each day. So frustrating!
😠😠😠 It’s so painful to see them so overstimulated! We know how powerless WE feel as adults when that happens and they often have no idea how to name theirs or combat it, it probably feels like complete chaos to our kids! I can’t imagine how they think that’s ‘easier’ on them or Catelyn!! 😢
Yes! Exactly – totally agree. And I wanted to clarify that I don’t think it is right when Catelyn is rude to adults. It is definitely something she is working on. I just would rather see her congratulated for when she gets the response right instead of disciplined when she gets the response wrong.
No no, I know! She needs even more compassion from them in those times especially 😔 That basic positive reinforcement from those adults would do her a world of good!
I’ll add that with my daughters epilepsy, hearing deficits and tremor, we were well supported when we first began in mainstream classes. We’ve since lost that support and have had to adapt and grow on our own when the system changed. So, I understand both the need for special support, and the lack of it.
Oh wow, yes – this is where I am headed with my youngest. I would imagine he will lose his 1/1 aid this year at his IEP and I am nervous as heck as to what else they are going to take away. And then wonder how to help him adapt and grow like you said. So tough!
The lack of embracing resources in some schools is shocking to me. Like…*they* ARE the vehicle to find and provide those resources to parents who can’t or dont know how to readily access them on their own! That *is* their job. I’m so sorry for this worry and stress! ☹
I could truly feel your pain and discouragement in this post. As a retired teacher, I spent time today reflecting on what I could even say, yet wanting to say something. So here are some random remarks. Every building and every teacher is different and I don’t know what words have been actually spoken to you by your daughter’s teacher, but sometimes teachers may realize that a child is “challenged” and not “challenging” but may also be frustrated by the fact that a child is not able to get an IEP or 504. Some years my bag of tricks was full of big holes! If that special ed team is not available sometimes I worked with a parent to establish our own team. If parents and doctors/private counselors are open to the idea of school/medical collaboration, teachers can learn a lot of helpful information from medical professionals about how to help the child. Our school counselor could sometimes identify another child in the building with similar needs and start a social skills group. Sometimes a teacher from a previous year could be part of a plan, with the child doing a favor for that teacher or taking her “important” papers. My team often consisted of secretaries or custodians who provided needed sensory breaks by having the student bring a box of books to them at certain periods of the day, and then brought them back. It takes a village, and if that village cannot include special ed teachers, creative thinking can sometimes help build the village. And then they go off to middle school and it begins again. Your journey and that of your children is not for the fainthearted is it?
Not for the fainthearted at all 🙂 Her teacher last year was perfect – focused on her as a whole person. Put her around peers that were accepting – on purpose he kept her with them throughout the year and she did sooooo well. This year is nothing like that. There is little care for the person. The teacher is “my way or the highway” and conversation gets you nowhere as he is just so self focused. Very frustrating, not only for me, but especially for Catelyn as well.
I have been there and been tempted to let fly with at least some expletives! I hate the idea that isolation and punishment is their solution. What kind of a solution is that? Well my hat is off to you again. You are 100% right in your quest for support. Support and supportive solutions.
Thank you, Anne!
Completely get how you feel, Robyn, and I’ve been there when my son was in preschool. I quickly learned that if he went to mainstream school, he would only be babysat and not helped at all. It just doesn’t work and the kids get nothing out of it, except neglect and pain. When I discovered this, I decided there was no way he was going to mainstream school, and ended up having to involve my local MP and even threatening to sue the local council because they didn’t supply him with a specialist school place until the 11th hour! However, all the stress and hair tearing was worth it as he’s happily settled at his special school now. I sometimes think that the teachers just don’t believe the child has special needs, and this is down to ignorance and lack of training. It’s just so wrong. And endlessly frustrating.
Yes! Exactly – sometimes I think the same – that the teachers don’t believe that there are special needs and it is COMPLETE ignorance and lack of training. So frustrating. Great job advocating for your son and getting him properly placed. That is awesome!!!
Thanks Robyn. It nearly gave me a breakdown, but it was more than worth it. Sometimes you have to don armour and fight like a medieval warrior for your family. And if I need to do it, I will!
I’m so sorry that Catelyn isn’t getting the support she needs. Hopefully next year she will have better support from new teachers. In the meantime stand your ground and I hope the teachers start to listen.
Thank you so much – I am hopeful for next year as well!
So very, very true. We have our kids at a charter school. I started the whole IEP process for my son, not because I knew anything about it, but because it boiled down to that or suspension.
I even thought about moving schools, but was flat-out told by our in-boundary public school that nothing could be done for him without an IEP or 504.
I am moving forward in the process of getting my other son evaluated, JUST SO they will not treat him as an aberration, and he is not as severely-challenged as my first.
It’s a sucky system, but I’ve learned you have to play by the cheats to get what you want.
Yes, exactly – with an IEP or a 504 the perception around the child completely changes. The teacher is told there is a need so they support the child to meet their goals. Between my two with needs, I can attest the IEP has helped my son sooooo much. I just wish the same for my daughter. You’re right. I have to figure out my next move.
It helps.
Maybe when every child has an IEP, they might reexamine the thinking behind all this. :/
The divide with them, that is.
As a retired second grade teacher, this post made me angry, but not for the negative perceptions of the school system. I don’t know the culture of your daughter’s school. Surely, there are teachers who are just trying to get through the year. It’s an attitude I hope is the exception more than the rule. What angered me was that your child was viewed as a behavior issue that needed to be addressed and not supported. How unfair that she isn’t being given the opportunity to learn as much as she can! Not only is a teacher’s job easier when support for students is available, but the students benefit so much more and learn more. Learning and the emotional well-being of children are too important to not provide needed support. I hope you keep at the system so your daughter can have a more positive experience.
Thank you! I agree – if the teacher were to take a supportive approach it would be easier on everyone and she would do so much better. I feel like my words are falling on deaf ears where is at now – and am hopeful for more understanding in the future. Really, just someone who cares. Thanks for reading and commenting!
I wish you both luck. If you have not already exhausted the possibility of meeting with and reaching an understanding with the teacher, pull your kid out of the room and demand a teacher who is more experienced or understanding. Public schools can be minefields for kids and parents. After 25 years in education, and diverting my own three children away from bad teachers, and to great ones, I believe that you will not argue, punish, sue, compel or in any other way change the system. It will grind you down to dust. You CAN find the best it has to offer – do not give up, ever, on that. Your kid is worth money to the school, and the district. Tell them what you want, or pull them out. Remind them of the lost revenue. NEVER settle for your kid. Good luck – I am pulling for you both!!!!
Great advice – thank you so much!