“As a functional Aspergian adult, one thing troubles me deeply about those kids who end up behind the second door. Many descriptions of autism and Asperger’s describe people like me as “not wanting contact with others” or “preferring to play alone.” I can’t speak for other kids, but I’d like to be very clear about my own feelings: I did not ever want to be alone. And all those child psychologists who said “John prefers to play by himself” were dead wrong. I played by myself because I was a failure at playing with others. I was alone as a result of my own limitations, and being alone was one of the bitterest disappointments of my young life.”
― John Elder Robison, Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s
I thought about this quote a lot this past weekend. Here’s why.
This past weekend was a soccer tournament weekend followed by a basketball game. I prepped Declan for our journey. His devices were ready, snacks were on hand, tents to stay cool under. And I was only going to keep him outside in the heat for an hour at a time. I was ready.
I got a lot of great soccer shots and even got some of Declan. I realized as Bobby’s shots were all about sports.
Declan’s shots were all about trying to find a friend.
Bobby playing soccer. Declan looking around for someone to play with.
A header and an attempt at friends. See those little feet on the left hand side? Those are Declan’s. He found some girls talking under their umbrellas so he got our sunbrella and tried to make friends. They got up and left, leaving Declan to say, “they were not very nice friends.”
So, I took him to the playground and played with my friend.
Another day, another set of soccer photos
And feeling dejected, Declan sat at a neighboring baseball field and lamented, “I have no friends.”
A few hours later, it was time for Bobby to play basketball. The same courts right next to the skate park I talked about in my post “Summer Socializing.”
After having problems making friends with the other skaters or scooterers, Declan decided he wasn’t going to play there. Instead he brought his Star Wars toys and hoped to make a friend.
Bobby played basketball.
And Declan tried to make friends. He tried to engage these boys, but said they wouldn’t tell him their names when he introduced himself. So, he left them to try to find someone new.
Basketball
Lone walking. Declan was unable to find a friend. So, I put my camera down and played a game of “Cops and Robbers” with him.
I’ve talked about this before in my post “Introversion vs. Autism.” In the post I am countering the argument that if you are an introvert you are on the autism spectrum.
As an introvert, I hate socializing. It can cause me great anxiety. I have the worst time trying to figure out what to say in a social situation and then I can spend DAYS beating myself up for something I feel I said wrong.
Declan wants to socialize. He wants to find friends. He just has a hard time accomplishing this task.
I am not saying that every person on the spectrum wants to socialize. But I can say that Declan is on the spectrum, and being on the spectrum does not automatically mean one does not want to socialize.
As of now, Declan is still going to keep on trying to make friends. And even though he is not always successful, I hope he never stops trying.
Children and adults need to be made more aware of autism , it’s so sad when they don’t give him a chance, bless him for not giving up. 😇
I agree. Declan has done so much work on social skills, so when he says, “My name is Declan, what is yours?” He doesn’t understand why they aren’t saying their names back, like he has learned. Thank you so much! I am so happy that he keeps trying too 🙂
I know my grandchildren would reply because they have autism awareness through children in their school. 😉
Awesome!
It’s kind of sad when people push all the responsibility on the one with autism, saying they must be the ones to work on their social skills if they want to make friends, without realising that this goes both ways.
You’re right! It does go both ways.
My heart breaks for him. My autistic son is introverted (like his parents) and this made things easier in some ways. We have a center in our town that specializes in activities for children and adults of all developmental levels. Being a part of their programs helped Joshua make connections with others without the pressure sometimes seen in more typically neurotypical ones.
That’s great! I am glad your son has made some connections. I am happy that Declan keeps trying. Every now and again he meets someone and has a lot of fun.
I know how that goes. Isobelle can’t Skype me. The last time was the day after her birthday March 9th. I have managed a phone call with her, but at 14 life is so difficult for her. Such a shame for our beautiful children/grandchildren.
I am sorry you haven’t been able to talk to her in so long 🙁
My daughter keeps her occupied all the time, and I do understand.
I understand. My daughter does send me photos via email.
Since my sister pulled my niece out of school last year, I am her only friend. It takes so much work on the part of parents and teachers to orchestrate successful outings and playdates, but they are so fulfilling! Ruby’s biggest issue is expressive language, and her delays frustrate her until she just wants to be where she’s comfortable. She totally rules as a best friend, but I deeply hope a new school and new friends are in her future!
Declan totally rules as a best friend too! 🙂 I am hopeful for the same things for him – that when he starts school new friends will be in the future. Thinking of Ruby and hoping the same for her!
My heart was breaking for Declan in this post. It would be nice if psychologists or whomever makes these grand sweeping statements realizes that everyone, even those on the spectrum, are unique and shouldn’t be pigeon-holed.
I agree – thank you, Sascha!
I wish that there was more awareness around exactly what constitutes autism, among both clinicians and the general public. There seems to be a media-driven view of how those with autism don’t want to socialise, instead of the reality in that most want to socialise, but just don’t know how to effectively – or are often too anxious to do so. It also sometimes stops some people from believing that you have a child on the spectrum, simply because they aren’t like Doogie Howser or something. I guess more awareness will spread over time. The pic of Declan on the Baseball field is heartbreaking. I hope he never gives up trying too! 🙂
I hope so too Robyn.
Your post makes me wonder if I’m truly an introvert (one of my identifiers) or if I just want to be alone because trying to be with others takes so much energy. Like you, I have difficulty in social situations This doesn’t come up much because I avoid those situations like the plague. But there are definitely times that I’m forced into the role (work functions, kids’ sporting events, family gatherings). At these times I all but shut down–it’s no wonder I like to be alone. But I still spend an extraordinary amount of time worrying that I’m not doing enough to foster relationships outside of my immediate family. Like Declan, I want the relationships, I just can’t seem to make it work.
Yes, a lot of times it feels like work. Hard work that I don’t enjoy so I skip as much as I can. Sometimes I think about the friends I don’t have and wonder if I want them or not. I do SO MUCH better when someone reaches out and will send a text or something to me. It’s selfish, I guess. I have definitely lost relationships that I was not very good at keeping. And I have peace with being alone. I hope you find the relationships you are looking for, and can make it work on terms you are comfortable with.
Hope Declan continues in his quest for friends! Getting shut down by other people really hurts your confidence. Remember the boys who included him in their game a while back? Wish there were more kids like them out there!
Me too! You are right – there are times when friends he makes are really friendly and make him feel good – those interactions I think fuel him to keep on trying, which is awesome!
Thanks for sharing Robyn! I hope my boy can have the courage to ask others to play one day. I’m so proud from just reading about Declan. I also think it’s so cool to know you’re an introvert too!
I know! I am so happy Declan reaches out to others to play, because I would not. I even tried to stop him when he first did it, and I had to stop myself. Yep, introvert to the core. Hey fellow introvert! 🙂
🤣 sounds like something I would do too
That’s beautiful. Gave me tears.
Thank you!
Love this, Robyn! Honestly, it hurts me in the heart, but I love how your honesty, openness and motherly love for your children and how it pours out in both your writing and actions! Your children are deeply blessed to have you as their mother!
Thank you so much, Jeff!