“I’m sorry about yesterday,” my neighbor said to me as she walked towards me from the bus stop.
“Oh no!” I answered, “Totally okay! Gosh, if the situation were reversed I could hear Declan saying the same thing.”
(On the previous day the big bus dropped all the kids off at the corner when school was over. Once off, they filtered down the street to their respective homes.
In the process, Declan’s little bus arrived at our house to drop him. My neighbor’s son, also on the autism spectrum, was very perplexed and continued to ask Declan, “Why do you ride the small bus?” Declan was equally perplexed and was saved by parental intervention stating, “everyone gets to school a different way.”)
My neighbor laughed and nodded her head, “You’re probably right!” Then she continued, “Was Declan okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. He didn’t say anything. And to be honest, I have been kind of waiting for this to come up. I don’t think he realizes that riding the small bus is different.”
“Gotcha. My son is just starting to pick up on some of the differences. The other day he asked me why he is in speech and occupational therapy at school and his little sister isn’t? He thought everybody did the same things he did.”
“Oh, yeah. What did you say to him?”
“I told him that everybody needs different help with different things at school. I told him I needed help with math when I was in school. His dad needed help with science. I told him that everyone goes to their special meetings for what they need.”
“That’s true! Yeah, I have always wondered what Declan is picking up on. I wondered if he knew his 1/1 aid was there for him and not there as a part of the class. Or if he picked up that he was going to special therapy appointments as well. And riding the small bus. Have you talked with your son about autism yet?”
“Not yet. I don’t think he would understand. And I must be careful how I word it. If I told him he had autism spectrum disorder – just hearing the word “disorder” would put his anxiety through the roof. He would think something was wrong with him and I don’t want that. So, I put the question out to an autism group and it was recommended that I tell him everyone is different. Some people need to wear glasses. Some people need help hearing things. And some people have autism and need special consideration with things. I think that is the best way to tell him because he gets upset so easily. Start small. Everyone is different.”
“Okay,” I nodded, “that is good. I don’t think Declan would understand what it meant yet, either. He has heard me introduce him to a new Dr. or professional, like a hair dresser, by saying, “This is Declan. He has autism.” So, the professional knew – but Declan has never asked what “autism” is. To him it could be that I am saying something like, “This is Declan. He has brown hair.”
My neighbor and I talked for a few more minutes and then parted ways for the day.
I have often wondered if Declan was aware of some of the subtle differences in his day compared to his peers.
When Catelyn was diagnosed, she was much older than Declan. More mature, higher functioning. It was easy to talk with Catelyn about autism as she was able to see the autism in her traits and behaviors and it helped her understand herself better.
I want Declan to have that same acceptance. I can start small and focus on his strengths. That is what he needs to hear, because he is the child that no longer wears characters on his shirts and destroyed his lock shoe laces because someone pointed out they were “different.” I want him to know that differences are okay.
Everyone is different. Everyone has different needs. And that’s okay. When he starts to pick up on some differences, we’ll start that conversation.
Because autism is okay.
And I am thankful to have Catelyn here to help me talk with Declan about it when he is ready to have the conversation.
photo credit: aldenjewell <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/31411679@N08/26410905080″>1976 Wayne Lifeguard and Busette School Buses</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a>
The ‘everybody is different’ phrase is really important. It’s not something bad it’s something we should celebrate.
My son is now at that age that he is starting to understand the reasons behind some of his behaviour traits. But he’s still at the stage of trying to hide those traits when others are about. If he can’t hide his traits then he will try and just hide. Daily he still says that he wants to be just like the other kids and not so different. He’s really good at spotting his individuality but not so good at spotting that other people are also individuals with unique differences.
I don’t know if it will do any good but we started compiling a list of successful people who are or who maybe on the spectrum. It’s trying to reinforce that other line you used actually ‘autism is okay’.
Take care.
Thank you so much! I agree, I want him to celebrate everyone’s differences, including his own. I really like your idea – I think we will definitely make a list as well. Thank you for the idea!
This is beautiful. I’m especially glad you have resources to help him.
My son is primarily attention-deficit, but has a smattering of Autistic tendencies that I often forget about till he’s triggered. I’d never asked him about his Speech classes (where they work on behavior) and he said something about knowing only the dumb kids go there. *sigh*
The school administrators and aides are really good about teaching the kids acceptance but some kids will always be mean.
Thank you so much! Ugh, that must be hard to hear. I agree – the schools are so good these days teaching acceptance, but there are always a few mean ones. Heartbreaking.
That’s exactly what I tell my boys, that everyone is different. My oldest likes to ask questions when he sees someone is “different” than him, and now he understands that not one person is the same. Thanks for sharing your experience mama!
Such a great message for kids – everyone is different! Thank you!! 🙂
Wonderful way to let Declan know he is blessed to have autism! Some of us are just short. He gets to have autism!
That’s right! He is very blessed! 🙂