I opened my eyes to see Declan patting his face and hair, smiling from ear to ear.
“I’m nine now!” He exclaimed. “I look so different!”
I mentally laughed but agreed.
“You are such a big boy now!”
Declan continued to smile and peeked down his shirt sleeve.
“There is still no hair there yet, so I haven’t hit puberty. I guess I will on a different birthday!” Declan surmised and began to hop up and down.
I squeezed my eyes shut, stifling a laugh, and sat up.
“Well, I guess it is time for presents! Why don’t you get your brother and sister up and we will go see if there are some birthday presents that need to be opened.”
Sure enough, there were.
Declan was thrilled when he opened his most anticipated gift, a Nintendo Switch. So much so, he mused, “I am so glad you love me. Because if you didn’t love me, you would have gotten me a Nintendo Switch LITE, and I did not want a Nintendo Switch LITE, I wanted the Nintendo Switch. Thank you so much for loving me!”
By 7:00 AM, I was well aware of one thing: The boy knew how to crack me up.
The energy of the day continued to mount. Because he could not have a party this year, Declan wanted a drive-by. To honk, or not to honk – that was the question. Declan chose the honk while wearing his noise-canceling headphones. So, he sat in his chair while family and friends drove by in decorated cars honking their horns, really making for a special unique birthday.
When the cars left, and the Nintendo was set up, the gaming began.
There was excitement to be playing. There was anger trying to figure out how to play. There was frustration in losing. The birthday passed, and in the days that followed, the emotions continued to roll high.
The emotions took their toll. Not just on Declan, but on all of us around him.
Bob and I retreated to the behaviors we are best known for. I swooped in as “Miss Fix it.” Let me try and figure it out and help. Unfortunately, electronics are not my thing, and I have little (no) interest in video games.
Declan’s screaming sends Bob to the other corner. “I can’t listen to this screaming. Nothing is going to work.”
Screaming and name-calling begets screaming and name-calling in Catelyn – she mirrors what she hears and sees. And, although Bobby tried, sometimes Declan cannot listen.
There were screen time limits. There were daily trips to the pool or park—hours required to be outside enjoying the summer. There was time to play games as a family away from the screen.
But once screen time resumed, certain family circumstances (if Declan lost a game, if the family was all their making quips, if a screen wasn’t saving correctly), caused the circle of negative energy to continue.
Thankfully, circumstances allowed for Bob and me to go for a short hike while Bobby babysat Declan. Since one of us ALWAYS has Declan by our side every minute of the day and night, these little trips out are a blessing. And after pointing out to each other that the others response wasn’t working, we both could agree on one thing.
Autism doesn’t excuse bad behavior.
There ARE times what looks like bad behavior is excused as I, or Bob, see that the action is in response to a NEED that needs to be met. But this was different and needed to be laid out for Declan in not your “typical” way.
While we had tried to placate Declan on his birthday so he could have the best birthday ever, we allowed for too much emotional dysregulation. His BIG responses were not equal to the situation. Name-calling, control throwing, screaming were not okay behaviors to a video game. It was time for us to make some changes.
Thankfully, we figured it all out. We unintentionally created a beast around birthday video games and consoles. Responses equal to the situation have been laid out. And hopefully, video games and family harmony are afoot.
By Declan’s own account, he had the best birthday day he has ever had. THAT will be what he remembers about his 9th birthday. I think Bob and I will also not forget this valuable life lesson with autism and apply it again as the need arises.
Hmmm. Little unfair: “Thankfully, we figured it all out.” Care to tell the rest of us how you figured it out?
Summertime 2028: “I want you off your console by midnight!”
“Why?”
“Umm…”
Oh no! When I wrote that we figured it all out, we figured out that we were accepting behavior we shouldn’t. That was the big light bulb because we do accept a lot of different things from him. I linked the post I wrote called “10 Tips for the Autism Time Out” because we do discipline Declan a little differently. Right now, if he is well enough to “hear” me in the middle of a breakdown, then I have him rate the problem on a scale of 1-10 and then rate his reaction to help bring awareness. If he can’t hear me, he goes to “calm down couch” like I wrote about before.
I can totally see that happening as the big kids are doing that now. They don’t break anything when they lose, so it doesn’t really bother me. But heck, if Declan is playing his console at midnight that means he is not sleeping in a bed next to me anymore. I might accept a few broken things for that.
I am so glad you, Declan and the family got to enjoy a wonderful birthday (in the big picture!). I’m glad the Switch worked out and the drive by honking sounds wonderful. Happy 9th birthday, Declan!
Thank you!
Birthday meltdowns are practically a rite of passage. Either my kid has one, I have one, or we alternate until we collapse with exhaustion. The stress around birthday celebration seems to increase to a ridiculous point. This year, we couldn’t get any of his friends to come over for his birthday. This bothered me immensely–and then when Covid required we all quit everything, was a burning regret nugget hiding in my heart for months. But, the kid got through the day pretty fine. He was happy. He got to go swimming and have cake with just me. He wasn’t upset by a lack of friends to celebrate him, but the loss bothered me greatly. I will just have to take a page from my son’s book and get over it.
But let’s hope COVID is over in time for birthdays next year!
I agree! Declan was SO worked up and excited about his new Nintendo Switch – I was hopeful that once he had the game everything would go back to chill (ish) mode. Took a bit, but I think we are getting close! That is something I would bother me as well. When we did the drive by thing, it became apparent that Declan’s friends are just our friends or the friends of my other two. Having a party is just hard. I would need to take the same page from your son’s book too!
Here’s hoping!
Autism does not excuse bad behavior. YES!
We are guilty of letting some things go that we might not if weren’t autistic. We pick our battles. There are rules though and some things are NEVER okay!
Sometimes kids are just pushing limits, autism or not.
I’m glad Declan appreciates your love!😂😂😂😂😂😂
Exactly! Yes, we pick our battles. Before I knew it, though, this one got away from me and causing us all misery. Strangely enough, it was hard for us to see the root of the problem – we were just letting too much “go” and really needed to get everything back in check. Gosh, I couldn’t even really appreciate his birthday because of all the stress around it! I am glad we are back on track now.
Haha! I know! My goodness, he was cracking me up that day! 🙂 🙂
Isobelle can never enjoy her birthday. She can’t eat, so my daughter has to go with it, and tends to spread it over a few days.
That is a good idea!
So, the usual anger and frustration that come with getting exactly what you want?
I don’t know what we were thinking – we knew how games are such a trigger. He just wanted it so bad.
Birthdays are such an emotional rollercoaster. Especially as you get the build up and disruption to the normal routine. It must have been so exhausting for you. We haven’t had a birthday party since toddler days. Only really once taken him with three friends to the cinema and MacDonalds one other birthday. Sometimes it just feels like a ‘surviving day’.
We try to skirt birthday parties as well. Declan doesn’t have friends his age. The people he enjoys most are our friends and the older kids friends. They were the ones that drove by and honked, which was nice. We’ve made it through the day, and getting better each day after – so that’s a plus!
Exactly.
It must be a hard balance to strike with excitement and enjoyment paired with rising energy levels and emotions on a day like this. I’m sorry there was a lot of tension and raised voices, but I’m glad it seems harmony will ensure around the gaming now. It’s such a shame for kids especially with the pandemic and not being able to do certain things they may want to or have family around safely, but you had a very creative solution to help Declan have the best day possible. Your one hell of a mamma. I love the drive-by honking, such a good idea!
🎉🎉🎉 Dear Declan… HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY, dude! 🎉🎉🎉
Caz xx
Thank you so much!
Firstly, I’m glad Declan had a great birthday and that he was so pleased with his new console. 🙂 And secondly, I admire you so much for figuring out how to deal with these issues when most of us flounder around like headless chickens not knowing which way to turn. I guess in the end it’s whatever works with our particular kids, but once again you’ve met a difficult challenge head on and dealt with it like a pro. Well done, Robyn! And I love that you figured it all out on a hike. I’ve always said that a good walk helps clear the mind! 🙂
Thank you! You are right, the hike totally helped. I was focused on what Bob was doing to not help the situation, and he was doing the same to me. Neither of us what right, but we realized there was a greater underlying problem that we COULD address. Thank goodness!
It’s your clear and practical approach that will always find a way. 🙂
As parents, we are always on the balance beam – balancing behavior with family harmony (and sometimes our own sanity). It doesn’t take much to upset the balance, and (in my experience) it’s not an exact science. We also celebrated a b-day (on the 28th!) and I think we are still feeling sugar aftershock! So glad Declan had the best b-day ever! 🙂
Thank you!
I am so glad you love me. Because if you didn’t love me, you would have gotten me a Nintendo Switch LITE – cracked me up. Isn’t that just how kids measure love? Happy you are settling in to a less stressful time with the game.
He did crack me up with that one! Heaven forbid we could only afford the lite – he would be under the false impression that I didn’t love him! Thank you! Me too.