The Tone

Catelyn sat at the dining room table, twirling a hair tie between her fingers. Her face was somber.

“Do you think you could try?” I asked.

Another mom recently told me her daughter was having a hard time going to school. Coincidentally, her daughter also goes to Catelyn’s school.

So, of course, the first thing that popped in my mind, Catelyn could reach and try to be supportive.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to do that.”

“Okay. Umm, well, when you see her at lunch maybe you could say something like, “Hey. How’s it going?””

Catelyn gave a small nod.

“Or look at what she is holding or the kind of back pack she has and say, “Oh, do you like “that?””

Catelyn stopped twirling the hair tie and sighed. She lifted her eyes to mine with a deadpan gaze.

“What?” I asked, “Not good?”

“No, they’re fine. It’s just….”

We both waited for her to continue. Finally, she said, “It’s just that I sometimes mess up that stuff. Like, I am trying to say “Oh, do you like that? That’s cool” and be all nice and everything, but what ACTUALLY comes out is something like, “Oh, you like that?!?!””

Oh, yes. I knew exactly what she was talking about. That hint of sarcasm that plagued parts of her speech. I thought it was just something she did to me, her mom. Cause what mom doesn’t get a daily dose of sarcasm from their preteen daughter?

“Sometimes I will try to say something like, “Nice shirt” but instead it comes out real mean, “Nice Shirt!!””

Catelyn looked at me, “I mean, you always say I have a tone!!”

I pointed at her, “Yep, right there.”

“So, what if I try to help this girl and the tone comes out? I’ll make things worse.”

“I see,” I said, “Legit concern. I guess if you could practice and then work towards a reward. What do you think?”

Catelyn nodded. “I’ll try.”

“And if it helps, try talking to her like you would talk to your close friend. That way you might stay in safe vocal boundaries.”

Catelyn’s eyes got big and she nodded, “FINE!!”

I pointed, “There it is again.”

She shrugged, and we went to watch TV.

“Catelyn, the tone…” is something I have said to Catelyn to let her know how her speech is coming across and could be perceived as rude. The statement was mostly met with an eye roll and exasperated sigh.

When I was featured on Autism Articulated, I wrote, “The biggest challenge we face for Catelyn with High Functioning Autism is the lack of recognition or understanding of the diagnosis from others. It is very easy to dismiss Catelyn as a rude person with very bad behavior. But Catelyn is not trying to be rude or bad. Like Declan, she experiences the world differently.”

Socializing has always been a challenge for Catelyn. For a lot of different reasons.

On this day, Catelyn recognized her tone, and told me how it comes out at school. Something I didn’t know about Catelyn.

I am glad that she recognized this about herself. It shows she is becoming more self-aware. She is more aware of her speech and behaviors and how they affect others.

In this case, she is learning how her speech can affect conversations and friendships.

Which is great.

Catelyn is not trying to mess up social situations. She is learning, becoming more self-aware – and now she is even trying to be supportive of someone else.

Which makes me very happy for her!