“So, my wife and I were having a disagreement, and I had to stop and ask myself, ‘is this a mountain I am willing to die on?’ And after a thoughtful second, I thought, ‘Yes. Yes, this IS a mountain I am willing to die on!’”
I laughed. My neighbor had us in stitches, telling us about his disagreement and his willingness to die on his moral mountain.
I thought about him as I was sitting on the pool’s edge, watching my little swimmer. In one corner, the loud talking teacher was discussing the coming school year and all the different circumstances to consider.
In the other corner, I watched the dreaded shift of bodies. A group of four boys playing together had turned into three boys on one side, staring at the lone child on the other side who was getting very agitated.
Declan.
About an hour earlier, my little swimmer with his noodle, had his isolation bubble popped. After being chastised by his sister to leave her and her friends alone, a boy who was vaguely aware of Declan asked Declan to play. I watched as the boys played Marco Polo, Declan with his goggles still on and still unable to catch the boy.
Two other boys joined the mix to play. Declan’s noodle became a head bopper, and Declan was laughing. There were brief stoppages in play when I was sure Declan was telling them about Mario or Nintendo.
But then the shift happened. The three boys were all on one side, laughing. Declan was on the other side alone, becoming outraged.
The boys began to exit the pool, so I jumped in, and doggy paddled (my signature swim) over to Declan.
“Declan,” I called, “Calm down. What is going on?”
“Go away! I’m fine!”
“You are very upset. Are the boys being mean?”
“Yes! They don’t believe me!”
I looked over to the boys who were standing by their parents, dripping, peering at one of the boy’s phones.
“They are looking it up now. Then they will believe that there is a Cartoon Cat.”
(Last week, Cartoon Cat sent shivers up and down Declan’s spine. Now, he is just part of the scary clan that Declan enjoys to watch and, of course, talk about).
“Declan, why don’t you come with me, and we will have a snack.”
“No. Go away.”
I saw the boys coming into the pool, swimming back to an anxious Declan so, I left him with one bit of parting advice.
“Remember how much you wanted to have friends at the pool. Take a deep breath. Stay calm.”
I exited the pool and watched. The same dynamic played out until Declan exited the pool and marched to our towels.
“Give me your phone.”
“No. Why?”
“I need to see Cartoon Cat.”
I assured Declan we knew that cat was on the internet. We could see another picture of him that we had already seen. That pool time play was about games like Marco Polo, not devices or characters. How much Declan had wanted to have a friend at the pool to PLAY with.’
“GIVE ME YOUR PHONE!”
With a short set of rules, I handed over my phone. I wasn’t giving in to an obstinate child. I was helping a child who was utterly hyperfocused on something have the ability to move on.
To Declan, the presence of Cartoon Cat was a mountain he was willing to die on. To Declan, things Declan knows to be true are ALL mountains he is willing to die on.
Declan marched back to the boys having mentally proved his point. After a brief discussion, the boys all separated, and Declan returned.
“They believe me now. Well, one does. Actually, he said he didn’t care anymore, but that means he believes me.” Declan declared with a self-assured nod and began to peel an orange.
Declan faces so many challenges when it comes to social situations. I am always thankful for his opportunity to play, but biting my nails, concerned for when the play turns direction—watching Declan mentally stand like a statue affixed to his eternal mountain.
At this point, I realize every social interaction is a learning lesson for Declan. One day, Declan may want the friendship or playtime more than he will need to be right. One day there will be a shift. Thankfully, Declan likes to keep trying. Opportunity awaits!
Oh my heart is heavy for Declan and you. Navigating social situations is such a challenge for little ones, some more so than others, and you just wanna help them through it but also give them the space to learn. You did the right thing. And I hope the boys continue to play with him in future outings.
I am genuinely curious about what Cartoon Cat is now!
The boy who originally asked Declan to play has been down this road with Declan before, which is why I think he hesitated until now to engage him. But hopefully, he will engage him again!
Oh my. Don’t judge :-). Cartoon Cat is one of those things I wish Declan never ran across. Declan has a horror thing that I have had to come to accept but not really understand. Come Halloween he is all about the gore and the movies and the characters, although he’s never seen any of them. It helps that my BFF is a horror junkie and goes to the conventions. It’s just not my cup of tea, for sure!
It’s tough to be the parent here. The urge to micromanage these contacts. Declan will hopefully find his own way that works for him.
Fingers crossed!
Here’s hoping. It never happened at mainstream school, and now going to a special college with only 30+ pupils I am hoping friendships will be made.
I am so hopeful for her!
The college is already working with her, and when she can’t cope, she plays with the therapy dog.
That is great they have a therapy dog!
I know.
I looked up Cartoon Cat when you first wrote about him. Ben either hasn’t discovered him or doesn’t care. Older Daughter (Born of Friday 13) is a Horror Junkie so Ben’s love of horror isn’t surprising. It’s the reenactments I dont care for.🙄
I hope Declan finds a way to just be satisfied that HE knows what he’s talking about and doesnt care as much if others believe him. That’s actually a pretty big life lesson.
And, yes… the disclaimer… we’re not “giving in”. Autism changes things. I wish we could make more people understand how STUCK these kiddos get. How they are absolutely unable to move on.
I knew you would understand! There he is, screaming at me at the pool – and what LOOKS like me caving into bad behavior was just me trying to help him through a complete focus/potential meltdown. I gave him a small list of rules and knew there was a good chance he was going to take my phone over the water to PROVE to the boys there was this character out there. Thankfully, he just needed it for his own mental well-being.
The reenactments – ugh! Yeah. Remember that picture Declan drew of me at school for the letter “D?” It was a picture of me “Dead.” My eyes were X’d out and everything. It was also October, Halloween was on his mind and that is what Halloween means to him. Just these horror/slash movies. But at school? Ugggghhh.
I do too. I tried to reassure him that WE knew that cat was out on the internet (I always hesitate to say he is real so D doesn’t get confused). But he just NEEDED to see him. I’d like for him to shrug off the naysayers and have the confidence that he knows what he knows is real. In time, I guess!
Mountains to die on is such a brilliant metaphor for our kids’ fixations! And its hard to watch them when they’re stuck on a particular mountain that means so much to them, especially when its in a social situation like poor Declan was in. Nathan doesn’t socialise with his peers, but he has various acquisition-driven mountains, such as Mount Nintendo, Mount blue smoothie, Mount cheese straw and all kinds of things, so I can sympathise on the fixation front! Really great post, Robyn. 🙂
Thank you, Alli! The fixations are mountains that are so important and they really drive their behavior, which doesn’t help Declan always succeed in those social situations. At home, I am just inclined to agree or provide what he needs so he doesn’t get upset but others, kids especially, don’t always do the same. Declan is still learning how to handle that part – but I am glad he is still trying!
I’m the same at home, Robyn. No point in stressing them out more than we need to. It’s a hard lesson for them to learn though, but I’m sure our boys will both get there in the end. 🙂
Hey, we all have our mountains, right? 🙂 I Googled “Cartoon Cat” and I would have loved to see the kids’ faces when they saw it. I wonder if they stayed up at night, wondering if Declan meant that Cartoon Cat is a thing, or that [insert horror movie music] there IS a Cartoon Cat… 😨 Spooky stuff!
Oh, I know! I am not even sure how “real” this cat is to Declan. I keep him as an internet tale when I talk about him with D – I think that is why he likes him now. I hope!
With the world the way it is, today, a cartoon cat is just as real as anything else. I just spent thirty minutes, this morning, mining imaginary rock and going back to my imaginary house where I was menaced by imaginary monsters…
Haha! You are right, and you always know how to make me laugh 🙂 !
You amaze me every time you tell a story like this. You some how summon up the ability to sit back and play the part of the impartial observer as you analyze the way your son’s interactions play out. You know how things will likely end but you let it happen and then come forward to talk him through it. You make these painful events powerful learning opportunities. What a challenge that has to be, doing that with your own child!
Oh, my it really is. It is so hard watching him go through certain social attempts. The boys did ask pop his isolation bubble at the pool again. This time they wanted Declan to tell their other friends about Cartoon Cat. Declan did and then he felt like he was “part of the crowd.” They didn’t pay too much attention to him. They played and he floated around them on the outskirts on his noodle. During adult swim, he didn’t come to me, he sat in the baby pool while the other boys rough housed in there. I think he wanted to play play, but being “included” was enough. There are times where I see what he can’t. Today two boys looked at each other with “the look” when Declan tried to join their play. They all eventually swam away from him and we talked how some people already had a game they were playing with their friends, but when I saw “the look” I wanted to tell him not to try and just play somewhere else. I can’t do that though. I have to let him try. It’s so hard.