“Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma”
It was a regular trip to the store for a handful of groceries. I, with a basket of groceries in one hand, held Declan’s hand in the other. Not really Declan though as Declan was wearing the mask of Jason from Friday the 13th fame.
As Declan and I walked through the aisles, “Little Jason” provided the background music.
“Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma…..”
Declan was super excited about his new Jason mask. We had just purchased it from his new favorite store – Halloween Adventures. As it was a day off from school, I let Declan spend a lot of time at his new “playground” hitting me with fake swords, chainsaws and excitedly trying on masks galore.
Once we made it home, the black rain boots were added to his outfit, a hooded sweatshirt and his Freddy glove of (plastic) knives.
And he was off. Up and down the street, walking with a gait meant to frighten, Declan could be heard talking in a spooky whisper.
It was a day off from school for everyone. As time wore on, other kids came to the street.
The other kids were excited to see frightening Declan. Baseball bats and hockey sticks came out as imaginary machetes, and the kids joined in the fun.
I watched from the window as the play ensued. Satisfied with the number of smiles and fun, I retreated to the kitchen to make dinner.
Until the screaming began. Every. Five. Minutes.
A few social interventions outside. A few “time outs” inside. The other kids were getting testy with Declan and visibly annoyed, so after one time out he decided to bring a peace offering of cookies.
I watched as the kids passed around the cookies. I watched as they cheered smiling Declan on.
Feeling satisfied with his success, I continued with dinner.
Until the car horn sounded.
I found myself outside looking at Declan who had locked himself inside our car. Four kids to one side of the car, laughing. Another child to the front of the car making faces.
In a rage and refusing to unlock the car doors on his own, I asked the children to leave as I used my keys to extricate Declan from the car and take him inside.
The kids stood about twenty feet away and watched as I coerced Declan out of the car and wrestled him up to the front door.
Screaming and crying, Declan went into a rage.
“I HATE YOU! I WANT TO MOVE AND GET AWAY FROM YOU! I HATE YOU ALL!”
And the replies sounded.
“We hate you too!”
“Feeling is mutual!”
“We wish you would move too!”
Once inside, I faced the brunt of Declan’s anger. I heard the words of hate; I felt the punches. After a while, he calmed to a steady cry and I returned to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he was gone. Ten minutes of frantic searching by Bobby and me, Declan was located behind the trees a few houses down the street.
“No one likes me,” he lamented, “I have no friends.”
Later, when I was finally alone, a few tears found their way out.
Trying to help social Declan took the whole afternoon. The whole afternoon was charged with this super negativity – frustration, testiness, annoyance, screaming, hitting. Dinner was a bust as the taxi had to leave.
The kid’s words hurt Declan. They hurt me too. They know Declan has autism. If not, they know Declan rides the little bus to school – something’s different with him. Yet they didn’t hold anything back.
And Declan left another social situation feeling friendless.
The following day, he had a solution.
“I want to tell them I am sorry.”
“No.” It just popped out. For one, I didn’t want another social attempt with the kids yet. Two, well….
“Declan, it wasn’t just YOU that did something wrong. They were mean too. But if you say you’re sorry, without them saying they’re sorry, then that means you carry the whole responsibility of the social situation going wrong.”
Declan looked to the wall in contemplation.
“I can write them a note. Or just say I’m sorry.”
I had a lot of feelings about Declan saying he was sorry. Maybe that’s right, maybe that’s wrong. I don’t know. But when the time came, I nodded my head and sent him out to do what he wanted to do.
Apologize.
I guess I know that when Declan says “I hate you” those are just his frustrated words, they don’t mean the same thing. But the kids didn’t. Declan wants friends, and if he feels like he did something wrong and that an apology will help – then I guess it was the right choice.
In Declan’s heart, he already forgave them. He’s moved on and ready to try again.
So, I stand beside him, ready for another round.
We forget sometimes just how brutal it is in kidworld. Taunts are thrown casually, physical agression, ganging up and excluding… then it’s all forgotten and play resumes. Or not.
There can be a fine line between kidworld play and bullying. How do we teach right without a real life example of wrong?
This is a great post Robyn! My initial reaction would have been the same. THEY were mean, THEY should apologize…but…
I think letting Declan handle it they way he wants to is awesome. It will work out or it won’t. Either way, you’re giving him room to learn and grow. Always there to help him up when he falls.
🌻💌
Thank you! At first I was thinking – ‘whoa, did I just tell my kid to NOT apologize? Robyn!’ But I felt there were extenuating circumstances. The whole “them” vs “Declan” divide felt like it was going to get bigger instead of smaller. If he owned full responsibility will it always be assumed failed playtime will always be his fault?
But, I am giving him more time outside. There is a lot of learning going on there – good and bad. And I am happy HE is handling his problems. I’m close by, but not doing it for him. Lots of learning there. It was a tough choice. And I like that – it will work or it won’t but at least HE tried something. 🙂
Reading this broke my heart. Children can be very mean. But letting Declan decide is the way forward, I think.
Thank you! I wasn’t sure at first, but letting Declan decide how he wanted to handle his problem and then letting him apologize – well, it seemed like there was a lot of learning there. Hopefully everything works out.
Sometimes we really don’t know what is right. But I am sure letting Declan make the decision was right. Amen to things working out smoothly. You are welcome.
This is so hard for you to witness. There is no right or wrong answer.
Thank you, Susie! I was so torn. He wanted to apologize and I finally relented. But if he had decided he didn’t want to, I would have been fine with that choice too. It was a tough call.
You do the best you can, and can’t do anymore 😊♥️
I love the fact that Declan wanted to say sorry Robyn even though it clearly was not all his own fault because it shows a sign of maturity that he is taking responsibility for his own part of the showdown. It also shows that he has a loving and forgiving soul. I feel proud of him ❤️
Thank you, Elaine! Yes, I really do like that he had a problem and HE came up with a solution. And that he acted on his solution telling the others he was sorry. I love his forgiving heart too. He’s a sweetie 🙂
It’s never a bad thing to say sorry. No matter who’s at fault it helps defuse the situation. Maybe the other kids will model his behavior in the future. In the meantime, I’m sorry for your rough afternoon.
That’s true! Maybe he will teach them something. I was nervous – I know how bad Declan wants friends. I didn’t know if apologizing would give the green light for future meanness. The “I can be mean to him because he is desperate” kind of thing. But who knows. Declan came up with a solution and apologized all on his own. It was his choice. Lot of learning there.
A sincere apology is a sign of strength. I’ve been chewed out by people from time to time and my first instinct is to tear their face off and then wear that face while committing some petty crime somewhere. But, when I was wrong, I just took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry”. Really throws people for a loop, in my area of the country, at least…
That’s true – definitely takes a bigger, or stronger, person to admit when they were wrong regardless of what anybody else did. You’re right!
I was married for twenty-five years… I’m definitely not used to someone telling me that I’m right. It’s a little… scary…
That’s funny 🙂 I know it takes A LOT for me to admit that my husband was right. I think he wants a tape recorder in those (very few) moments. But hey, own it – you were right! 🙂
Poor kid, poor you. It’s so tough. As hard as they try and hard as we try -we just can’t get a match between two worlds. Occasionally they overlap but all too quickly they pull apart again. I think you handled it as usual -the best you could possibly do. I don’t know what else to say. I know what this is like. Sending you hugs.
Thank you so much 🙂 You’re right. He wants to be a part of their world so badly. I just hate seeing him get hurt in the process. But as long as he wants to keep trying, then I’ll keep supporting him. Thanks again xx
Ooof, this one even hurt ME. I think his apology comes from a place of just wanting friends so badly, wanting to be accepted, and it would be really hard to refuse him that, even if you’re rightfully skeptical. I’m not even sure that there is a really right way to handle this but it’s kind of cool that he’s taking the lead on this, and I think it’s probably for the best that you let him try to work it out. It must be hard watching him go back though.
That is what I think too – he is apologizing because he wants friends and could care less if they did something wrong, he’ll take the blame – just be his friend. I do appreciate that he did this on his own. There was a problem and he attempted to fix it – that is pretty cool. Fingers crossed for the next playtime!
I think almost any child, when faced with an “I hate you” will retaliate. Maybe when faced with an apology at least one child will return that also. It’s hard to let children find their own path and much harder, I’m sure, when the child’s path has been socially rocky. You were brave to let him make his own way but I believe it will help him grow. It’s all baby steps, isn’t it? I hope to see Part 2 of this story to find out just how the other children reacted.
I agree – I thought about that. But then I wondered what led to Declan locking himself in the car and seeing the kids laughing. Were they laughing at him? Maybe not, I don’t know. Overall the whole playtime went sadly south. Definitely baby steps. He made a choice and I support him! Hopefully it will all work out.
I can feel Declan’s pain, Robyn, and yours in having to see him go through the taunts of immaturity from the other kids. I guess children lack the social skills to deal with situations like this, but if they know he has autism you’d think they’d be a bit more clued up. Having said that, adults are no better – they’re ruthlessly judgemental and intolerant instead, and that’s no better. It’s a tough world, to be sure. But the irony is that Declan showed an encouraging, brave maturity in wanting to apologise, and to my mind that shows an empathy that the others lack. I hope it ended well for him. <3 🙂
Yes, that is what I thought too – they may know he has autism but not really what having autism means. And they are expecting him to behave in a neurotypical way. You’re right, he did. He showed maturity in the face of immaturity. Me too 🙂 Thanks Alli!
You’re doing a great job with your kids, Robyn. 🙂
Thank you, Alli! 🙂
🙂
I read this and just wanted to send a big virtual hug!
Thank you!
Ouch! I feel this for Declan! I feel this for you as a parent who wants whats best, not only for Declan, but the four little snots that live in your neighborhood. I also feel those punches where Declan hit you in rage. I feel Declan’s despondent response, lamenting behind the houses about not having friends like he wants…
Parenting can be one of the most intense, painful, scarring things we as adults do. Parenting well, like y’all do, doesn’t make it any easier at times, but Robyn, it does pay off in some huge dividends down the road! You most likely will never know, certainly not fully, those huge dividends, but your children will, repeatedly!! Keep up the good work, my friend!! Y’all are doing great!
Thank you so much, Jeff!! Good to know!! Thank you 🙂
Just finished reading only 3 of your posts so far, and I am fully immersed and engaged in your family, your gentle way of writing and the love that jumps off the page .
And thank you for popping in and reading me.
Appreciate it so much and sending warm hugs to you and your gorgeous family
Xxx
Thank you so much! xx
My pleasure x