We Both Took a Big Step

Don’t cry.

“What are you looking at, Bud?”

Declan twisted in his seat with my phone.

“I am playing a game.”

I took a deep breath and continued my inner pep talk: Don’t cry, Don’t cry, Don’t cry.

Three months ago, when I asked Declan if he wanted to go to a camp, he excitedly agreed.  To the overnight option.

Having never sent any of my children to an overnight camp I was hesitant.  But after a family discussion, I agreed and registered Declan for an overnight special needs camp.

Three months later we found ourselves waiting to meet with the nurse to drop off meds and to get a brief physical before I was to say goodbye.

I looked across the room.  A girl with Down syndrome ran up and down the handicap ramp inside the recreation hall.  On her fourth go around she came to her mother and stopped.

“Shoo!” She motioned to her mom with her hands.  When her mom shook her head, the girl lifted her hands again and motioned bigger, “SHOO!”

“I can’t leave yet, sweetie.  I have to meet with the nurse first.  THEN, I promise, I will go.”

The girl slouched her shoulders and to took off to run the handicamp ramp again.

As we waited, more campers came into the hall.  One would recognize another from a past stay and hug.  All appeared to be excited for another stay at camp.

Declan was in the middle.  He was excited about the prospect of going to an overnight camp three months ago.  In the past three months, Declan rode the emotional roller coaster.  Excitement changed to fear, to sadness, back to excitement, fear, sadness, etc.

Every time he stated he didn’t want to go I replied, “Give it a try.  I think it will be a lot of fun!”

But mentally I said, “Ok, cool.  That was close!  Just stay home with me.”

As the date neared, Declan’s emotions ran closer to that of excitement, while mine ran closer to fear.

Never have I ever had to stand so close to a child and help in oh so many ways.  Now I was just going to drop him off at some camp where neither of us knew anyone any longer than some brief meetings?!?

Apparently.

“Next!”

Eventually, we left the nurse and the other mom was “shooed” in for her turn.  Campers continued to come in, hugging each other and the familiar counselors.

There was happiness all around.

When Declan’s belongings were finally all stowed and his bed was made, he beamed.  He had a special place.  And was super excited for HIS special time away from home.

Seeing his great big smile, seeing the excitement from all the campers that had been there before – it all put me at ease.  My fears subsided.

I think Declan is going to have a great week.

Having Declan away for a whole week was scary for the both of us.  Declan’s going to have to try new things, have a change in his routine and be away from home.  I am leaving Declan’s care up to someone else.

At times, these notions terrified the both of us.

As I drove away (tear free) I realized I was hopeful this camp became something Declan wants to do every year.

That one day I will drop him off and he will hug his camp friends at drop off.  That he will be so excited for camp he will “shoo” me out.

I guess time will tell.

For now, this is definitely a big step.

For the both of us.