Recently I read an article about Quaden Bayles.
Chances are you have heard of Quaden. Recently his mother posted a video of Quaden crying after being bullied. Quaden was born with achondroplasia, a form of dwarfism. In the heartbreaking video, Quaden asks his mother to give him a knife so he can kill himself. His mother tells the viewers that Quaden has in fact tried to kill himself before, tells the viewer this is the effect bullying has and to please educate family and friends.
The video made great impact. Celebrities shared their messages of support, a GoFundMe was created raising over $460,000 for a trip to Disneyland. Quaden knows he is not alone. He has support all over the world.
The article I read made an interesting point, however. Quaden is nine years old and his mother posted this heart wrenching video of him on social media that went viral. Quaden will forever be known as the child that was bullied. His name will always be associated with this event. Will he always want that? Also, seeing such a positive outcome for Quaden, will other parents start to emulate this event, posting videos of their children that the children won’t want broadcasted?
The article goes on to say that parents of autistic kids are also at fault for far too frequently posting videos of their children in the middle of a meltdown again forever associating their child’s name with this event. I hate these videos too. I completely understand the helpless feeling a parent has when you try to explain a behavior or the diagnosis in general to someone who has deaf ears, but I would never feel the need to prove it by posting a video of my kids while they were having a tough time. Secondly, selfishly, I feel in certain groups I am stereotyped by these videos. The second that I say I have autistic kids then I must be guilty of posting a video like this of them, embarrassing them.
But ultimately, when it comes to posting about your child, I agree, respect your child. Don’t share their worst day moment.
A few years ago, a Facebook friend posted that her neurotypical daughter had complained to her to stop taking and posting her picture. The daughter got upset and even threatened to sue her mom, my Facebook friend, when she was older if she didn’t stop. My Facebook friend thought this was so funny – so funny to even post the conversation on Facebook. From MY perspective, I didn’t think it was too funny.
I used to post funny pictures of my kids, like I mentioned before in my post Kids Say (and DO!) the Darndest Things. The second Declan was diagnosed, those posts stopped. I became very aware that I needed to be cautious how I represented Declan on social media. Gone were the days of laughing at him at power washer pressure water fountain. I could laugh at it, but I couldn’t share it.
As a blogger, I’ve done the same. When I started this blog, I went for full transparency. I recognized that others would not agree to this, so I have never posted a picture of someone else’s child, nor have I ever used a real name outside of ours. I see in other blogs, some have also gone for full transparency and have shared names and pictures of their kids. Others have used names, no pictures or pictures, no real names. This all tells me something. We are all aware of the online imprint we’re making of our children.
Going for full transparency, I decided two things. One, I would always tell a positive story. Even if there were some negative moments, the outcome would be one of hope or thought provoking. Two, I would never embarrass my children. There have been a lot of tough things Declan did when he was younger, I have never mentioned. He wouldn’t want those things out there and I respect him. Everyone in the family is aware that I write about them. Catelyn reads her pieces and Declan, who wants to be a famous YouTuber, thinks his posts I’ve read to him are cool, and loves that he got “likes“ even though I don’t think he really grasps the concept.
But one day he will. And even if I were to delete this entire blog, part of our story, his story, would still possibly be out there. So, I write in respect, cautiously post and never take or post a video of my child in their worst moment for the world to see.
I think that’s a good rule of thumb.
Your children, if you keep your blogs will see just what a great mom you are and if you write a book, well 🤯💜👍🏻
Thank you so much, Elaine! 🙂
I think that you get the balance perfect. I won’t post any recent photos of his face. Try not to do anything which is embarrassing. If anybody is going to be embarrassed then that has to be me. But it’s so important that writers like yourself tell their stories. We so need to raise awareness.
Thank you so much! That is why I started – to join the autism story, share our experiences and hopefully help someone, if anything, understand the diversity of autism. I think you are doing a great job as well!
Agree totally 🙂 We don’t include photos of our children’s faces from front-on or use their names … but again felt compelled to show family life with autism – both its challenges but also its joys 🙂
That’s great! I like how we all found a way to tell our autism stories – when my son was first diagnosed it was in these stories that I found the most support or comfort. Not in my friends or family because they couldn’t relate. But I could connect with other autism families and it was great. And I have to say, we are all sharing in a way that is comfortable to us with respect to our kids. Love it.
Completely agree x When our third son was diagnosed I must have read hundreds of blogs about autism. I felt I really should write now and add to that online support, but it has taken me a fair few years to find the courage to do it, as it feels so very personal. I shouldn’t have worried though, the feedback has been really heartening x
Great post! Beautifully put. That’s why I am cautious of many things you have highlighted here. I always have that in the back of my mind about my son when he is older, and even now.
Thank you! Yes, I like to think of him reading it five to ten years from now and what his reaction would be. Helps guide me!
I think you go about it the right way… but the internet DOES have a short memory.
Thank you! Yes, I agree.
Your FB friend’s daughter has the right to privacy. ALL children have the right to privacy. I would love to share pictures of Ben in his ever-present suit coat and tie. I think he’s adorable! But, if I want to write about the hard days, so others can know they aren’t alone, I have to keep him anonymous. Both of my daughters have said they don’t care if I use their names, but they have huge digital presences and that could lead back to Ben.
I think you’ve got it right. We need to find a balance to keep our kiddos (all of them, from zero support to 24/7 support) from being embarrassed or targeted for bullying. What we put online is always going to be available.
💌
Yeah, I couldn’t believe she said that, let alone posted it. Kids to have the right to privacy, I agree. He sounds adorable! But I can understand why you want to keep him anonymous.
Thank you! I agree – it’s a fine balance especially knowing it will always be somewhere out there.
I wish everyone would follow these steps. I see things on social media about people’s kids that make me cringe or sad and I think there may be some difficult conversations some day if the kids in question ever track down the posts – or even worse, if other people bring them to their attention. Actually it’s more on Facebook than blogs, but there is one level less anonymity there, which in a way makes it even worse.
I agree. If I am posting on Facebook I am posting to people that have a closer connection to my family, Our kids may know each other and, like you said, are liable to tell them if I posted something embarrassing about them. I wouldn’t want them to find something out like that. Best to not post it at all.
You are right, Robyn. One must write to raise awareness but at the same children need privacy. And I agree with masercot, internet has a short memory but things do resurface at most awkward times on social media.
I think you do a wonderful job and have struck the right balance. ❤️
Thank you so much!
You are welcome.
I was watching Finding Your Roots last night… an episode where all 3 celebrities has lawbreaking ancestors. One pointed out that, thanks to the internet, even a 200 yr old crime in another country was no longer private.
Wow, that is an eye opener. The internet is really powerful.
I think your blog posts will show your children what a caring Mother you are and how you have given of yourself and your time and your love to help them. In my mind I see photos of Declan smiling. I love that face! My children grew up before the era of social media. I did not have to think about it. But now my daughter has a son and two step daughters and she has to make choices all the time about what she puts up.
Thank you, Anne!
I agree with this. I have never and will never post anything like that about Winter. How humiliating that would be for her to have a meltdown blasted all over the internet!! I post a lot about our every day life and whatnot but I could never “show proof” of a meltdown like that. I too, saw this video of Quaden but I couldn’t actually watch it. My heart broke into a million pieces just reading the article.
I couldn’t watch it either – but I got the high level of it and my heart broke too. I never thought of the flipside though of his mom posting that video. He got a ton of love and support, anti bullying got some attention but will there be long term effects? It’s on my mind since I do post about my kids and I want to do it right.
I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I’m always posting about my daughter and I try my best not to get too personal. My son will he 12 in one week and he’s actually asked me not to post anything about him or photos of him without talking to him first as he’s a very private person and I respect that. These days, once things are online, they are there forever.
Thank you for this thoughtful post. It was needed after seeing the little boy crying.
Gwen.
Thank you!