In the pew in front me there sat an infant carrier. When a little leg shot up in the air, I knew the carrier was occupied.
I watched the little feet move sporadically back and forth. Then I watched a little hand pop up to grab hold of the sock on the right foot and give a mighty pull. A few more meetings between hand and foot and the sock was off.
As we stood to sing, I watched the baby’s eyes widen and her head bob to the music. Occasionally the baby would screech with the sounds around her and smile.
The service continued as church services do. Bible reading, prayer, message – all relatively quiet times minus the occasional cough or sneeze. And every now and again the baby, still sitting in its infant carrier on the pew, would let out a giant squeal or screech. With each screech, the mom looked over at her baby and smiled, tickling her baby’s nose or cheek, sometimes offering the pulled off sock.
Sitting right next to the infant carrier was a family with two young boys. As the service went on the boys tried telling their mother something to which she replied with a finger to her lips, shushing them. Brief interactions with each other led the father to give a furrowed brow. The boys sat when it was time to stand causing the father to look back and direct with his finger to where he determined the children should be standing. Some hushed whispering and a stern look later, the boys stood in attention.
Off to my right, there was a pregnant woman and her young daughter. When the music played her daughter danced in the aisle. When the service entered quiet time, the daughter walked up and down the aisle. If she were in her pew, she played quietly or talked with her mother. Throughout the service the mother smiled at her child with the most adoring smile I had ever seen.
Me? I had my two youngest in their Sunday school classrooms. If Declan were with me, he’d likely be openly and loudly lamenting about his boredom. Catelyn is becoming more involved with church activities but enjoys Sunday school over the service. Bobby, at an age where he can sit still, understand and benefit from the message, sits with Bob and me.
When they were little, NONE of my kids would have sat in an infant carrier for an hour staring at a church ceiling. When they were the age of the two young boys in front of us, my two oldest would be the ones that needed separated before they got into a fist fight over the pew pencil to play with. Their personalities directed my parenting decisions almost as much as my own personality did.
If my baby started screeching in the middle of prayer time my anxiety would spike – even though it was fine and accepted as “what babies do,” I would have felt responsible thinking “I need to change this situation fast.” There’s no way my personality could ever let my child walk the aisle while the pastor was giving her message. Although the pastor was fine with it. The little girl’s smile shows how much she loves coming to church for all the positive she experiences, the goal of any pastor.
Just to be clear, I don’t think anyone did anything wrong. I just marveled how other parent’s choices were different from mine, not that my choice would have been right. It just would’ve been mine.
There isn’t a parenting style that is one size fits all. Nor is there an equivalent handbook. I think I have written my own parenting handbook at this point, based on my experiences, my personality and my kid’s personalities and needs. I do what works for me and my family and I respect that others do the same for theirs.
On the chart, I would be a high/high parent. My neighbors, who have a kid, are low/low and it’s often frustrating for me to see their kid virtually never getting any positive attention or interaction. It causes her to seem hyper around people but is really just her attempt to get as much positive attention as she can before returning to the isolation of her phone-obsessed parents.
I’d like to be top left – at least that is what I am going for. Unfortunately I can’t get the kids to listen to me, although I wish they would.
Well, can’t every patent say that? And I’m clearly in a good mood because at other times I’ve said I could never be a parent because when the kid frustrated me I’d be tempted to duct tape their hands & mouth!!
Yeah, probably. We’re all striving for something unattainable! It’s a hoax! 🙂
My older daughter always complains that her younger sister had different rules growing up. It’s true, they had some rules that were different. Some rules were hard rules that didnt bend, period.
But they were/are different people and I tailored my parenting to each child/person. Ben’s rules are even more different.
Not only do parenting styles differ family to family, but in my case, child to child within the family.
💌
I got called on that tonight! Bobby said I was making him do something that I would never make Catelyn do – and he was right! And hated when I told him so 🙂 You’re right! I definitely parent each of them differently too!
Like you I steer more towards top left although to be honest I wouldn’t expect my children to sit through a one hour service because I couldn’t do it. Sunday school is different though because hopefully it’s not as rigid. I am a believer and love churches but sermons leave me cold!
We have five different pastors, and some are very dry in their sermons. But our main pastor really gives a dynamic interactive sermon, involving the congregation and has points she has us all laughing in thought. Really good. But still, I think it would be hard for any kid to sit through or understand. Sunday school has them able to talk and do activities. But, to each their own!
I always felt that’s what Sunday school was for… to allow the parents to go to services without disruption.
Now, “Vacation Bible School” is a completely different story.
I know – that’s what I thought too. Wow, that would be a Vacation Bible School I would sign up for, for sure!
And no matter what your parenting style, someone is going to judge you… harshly.
That’s definitely true
I love this! I’m a parent who wishes I could be like the easy-going ones in this story, but because I’m anxious, and people turn and stare, I’m the one shushing my kid during church.
I never plan on doing it, the reaction just happens instinctively, as fast as my face turning red.
Yes! You know, I sat with this post for 24 hours, going over it – I wasn’t sure I was getting my point across. Or that I was coming off as judging the other parents, which I wasn’t. I wanted to BE them. I react the same way. Anxious, red faced, running my child to the hallway or worse, getting into a small fight with my husband while we try to get the child under control. And these parents weren’t really trying to control their kids at all – they were letting their kids be kids. Oh, how I wish I was able to be like them when my kids were younger!
The bottom right (low-low) style is more often referred to as “Neglectful” than the kinder, “Uninvolved”. Some, including myself, have referred to it as “Children as Pets”. Three of the four styles are problematic. I see the outcomes of these in the counseling office every day, and so do teachers in the classroom. Lots of wisdom in the Hebrew proverb, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child”. Parenting is such a high high privilege, and such an impactful endeavour on future generations, that it pays to try and get fathering and mothering right.
Good point! Parenting is a high privilege and needs to be treated as such.
I am a father who does what he can in this crazy life. But it really is my wife who “channels” everything.
We have a similar parenting dynamic here – I can relate.
This is a great perspective. When my son was a baby I too would freak out if he started to cry or screech. I admire moms that are calm while their baby is making noise whether it’s church or a restaurant. I feel like I would be more like that now if I have another child. Very good post.
Thank you! Yes, same – I would like to think I would be way more laid back now than I was when mine were younger. Glad you could relate!
Not even finding a reason to try hiding, I’m definitely a permissive parent. We don’t really have any rules for our kids (except for doing things that would obviously kill them, like playing with electric sockets, putting tiny things in their mouth etc.) but we don’t really discipline them for it we just pull them away from the socket or take away whatever was in their mouths. we are more so our kids friends…but we do still take very good care of them and they are very smart.
this is very similar to my self
https://lighthouse97.wordpress.com/2020/05/02/developing-a-business-or-developing-a-human-being/